The Star Cross Lovers Die
by urly
Summary: The story starts with Peeta an Katniss about to take the nightlock berries and the Capitol reacts too slowly and they both die. Strangely enough that is not the end of the story. It takes some strange twist before the end. Ghost, monsters, hurt/comfort, romance and more.
1. The Berries

The Star Cross Lovers Die

**The Berries**

I am dying.

My right leg doesn't hurt anymore in fact I can't feel it at all. My right shoe is red with blood as is the grass all around me. I feel so cold and weak, my hands just won't stop shaking, and I just know I will pass out soon. I fight to stay conscious, but not to say alive, for me to live she must die, Katniss must die, that is how the game is played, and that is the choice in front of me. Every thought now must be to convince her to kill me, if I had kept the knife, I could faint an attack on her, and then maybe she would kill me. I don't know what I was thinking dropping it and telling her to shoot me, like that would work! I wasted a chance to save her because… because I love her and I did want her to know it before I died. Now because of that vanity she couldn't kill me and live! She turns toward me and pours a small pile of nightlock berries into her hand, and I move closer to knock them out of her hand.

She stops me from hitting her hand. "Trust me!", Katniss said. She pours the berries in my hand and pours some more for herself.

And I stop, with one look into her eyes I know what she is thinking. I feel like I am in her head, I know her thoughts. Could she be right, would they accept two victors if the other choice was no victor! The choice was made as soon as she said "Trust me!" because I did trust her. I could feel in my soul the die had been cast and we would now either die together or live together. I reached over and gave her lips one last kiss. Her lips were so warm, and her breath on my cheek almost burned. "Two…" I said, parting from her lips. I raised the berries to my lips as slowly as I could. Our mouths opened, "Three." Katniss said. My God, they were not going to stop us, we were going to die. Good-bye Katniss, my one and only love. The berries tumbled into my mouth. Our eyes locked on each other, as I knew the berries were now in both of our mouths. I bit down, the juice bitter on my tongue. I heard Claudius Templesmith blare out, "Stop! Stop! I present to you both winners of the 74th Hunger Games, the tributes from District 12, Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen!" And as we heard the trumpets sound and the crowds scream, we fell together hard. I couldn't see – I was blind – but I still could feel Katniss as we tumbled to the ground. I used the last of my strength to pull her close and feel her warmth one last time, and then it all went black.

I found myself floating in darkness. There was nothing here at all, I am totally alone. I float and dream. Here there was no time to measure, nor was there any land to be found. I feel like I spent several lifetimes here, waiting for something, I did not know what. Slowly, I became aware of sounds, beeps of instruments and hum of lights. I felt the warmth and weight of a blanket on me. I was alive! I struggled to open my eyes.

"Peeta, don't open your eyes," Katniss said into my ear.

She is alive! "Katniss what happen! I was sure we were dead! Are you okay?" God thank you! Thank you for bringing her back to me!

"I'm okay, but please keep your eyes shut."

What's happening are we still in the games? Are we in danger? "Why can't I see you?" I asked.

"Not now. Peeta, we are in a hospital below the training center. The doctors are working on you to make you healthy again." I felt her hand grab hold of mine. Her hand was so warm and soft, it was a shock to my system. She moved her head so close to my face that I could feel her breath against my skin. I could smell her hair. Not the smell of the cave, but like before when she was healthy. I was so relieved that I couldn't help but start crying, the tears rolling down my cheeks. Soon I heard her sobs and felt her tears on my face.

Once more I remember how we tumbled to the ground, I remember dying, we did die, didn't we? "Oh, Katniss I was so afraid you died."

"It's okay, please, Peeta, it's okay. Don't cry anymore. You're making me cry too." She pressed her cheek to mine, and I felt her arms wrap around me, holding me tight. We stayed together like this for a while, until I stopped crying.

"Katniss why don't you want me to see you?" I asked, still curious why she wouldn't let me. I wanted to see her face again so badly.

"Not now. Peeta, I 'm afraid for my family. Do you love me?"

What is going on? I still don't understand any of this. "You know I do."

"If you swear to take care of my family and protect them, I'll never leave you."

She is making deals? Deals? "Katniss, there need be no deal. I'll protect them."

"Swear. Swear on your love for me," Katniss insisted.

"I swear." I said.

"Then I swear I'll never leave you. It is done."

"Can I see you now?" I asked. Will she tell me what is happing now? This is so weird, I can't see her, and deals, where is this going.

"No. I'm so tired, I need to sleep." I felt her lift the blanket off me and a cold chill rushed over my body. I felt her warm body cuddle next to me. The smell of her body was such a comfort. Her hands lay on my chest and her fingers explored my chest muscles for a minute. "Katniss, why don't you want me to see you?"

"Shh, let us just sleep for a while." The excitement of her being with me, and her promise of staying with me had me so excited. I didn't think I would ever sleep again. For the longest time I lay there enjoying the feeling of her next to me, the rhythms of her breathing, the beating of her heart; this was my heaven. After a while her breathing began to deepen, and she cuddled even deeper as she truly slept. A long time later I finally fell asleep too.

When I awoke, her warmth was gone. I reached around for her, unwilling to open my eyes, knowing she didn't want me to. "Katniss where are you?" I asked. I noticed there was something holding me in the bed, some kind of restraint. "Katniss where are you?" I repeated again and again with an increasing panic. Finally I opened my eyes. I was in a large, round, well lit room with many instruments and no apparent doors. I was on a bed in the middle with a wide restraint around the middle of my body. I was naked except for a sheet on top of me. "Katniss where are you?" I was now yelling, afraid of what had happened. What could have happened?

A door appeared in the wall and Haymitch appeared in it. He looked almost as bad as the day we first met. He must have been drinking hard again.

"Hey, boy, how are you feeling?" Haymitch said through a fake smile.

"Not bad, but where is Katniss?"

"We will get to Katniss in a minute. I want to talk about you for a minute." He sat down on the bed next to me, but I was persistent. I wouldn't stop asking for her. I had a bad feeling about everything here, something was very wrong here.

"Where is Katniss?" My voice was now rising.

"You were in pretty bad shape when they took you out of the arena. You almost didn't make it." Haymitch said with great concern.

I was now getting annoyed. He was ignoring the question. "I'll tell you what. Why don't you tell me where Katniss is?" Haymitch looked up into the corner of the room. There must have been a camera there. A look came over Haymitch's face, one I didn't recognize: something dramatic. "Peeta… they couldn't …she is …Peeta, what is the last thing you remember?"

"We were in the arena, we took the berries, they declared us victors, I woke up here, Katniss came and talked to me, and then you came."

Haymitch's face went blank. "Katniss talked to you?"

"She was all worried about her family. I promised to protect them and I held her till I went to sleep."

Haymitch's face looked pained as he said softly, "Peeta, she didn't make it. She was dead before they even reached her." I was in shock. How was that possible? I talked to her. I mean, I didn't see her, but I heard her voice, I felt her body next to mine. He was lying. She wasn't dead!

"NO! NO! NO! She was here! I…I talk to her. I touched her! I could smell her. Hell, I still smell her on these sheets." What did they think they were doing, lying to me? Katniss was alive! My fear had become a killing rage. I was pulling against the restraint, and with my strength coming from my rage the restraint gave way. I rolled off the bed. I knew I was going to kill Haymitch. But instead I fell over to the right, and hard. It was then I notice my right leg ended with a knot of skin held together by some scary looking stitches, a couple of inches below my right knee. All I could do was stare at what used to be my right leg while people rushed around me and stabbed me with needles, and then the world went black.

**Author's note:** If you have been around long enough you might have seen this story before, this is my third attempt at doing this story justice. I had 25 chapters written in a previous version of this story and plan to release about a chapter a week (hopefully) as I rewrite them.


	2. Picture of Katniss

**Picture of Katniss**

Most of the time they keep me asleep, but periodically they wake me and offer me food, and try to talk to me. I didn't eat and I didn't talk. I just sit there. I can hear the nurses whisper about me, "the poor boy has lost his mind". The hoses in my arm keep me alive and pump in all kinds of weird drugs. With the drugs and no windows I lose track of time, not that it mattered. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing at all.

Sometimes the Avox girl showed up and tried to feed me, sometimes Haymitch and even Effie came by and tried to start a conversation with me. All the drugs they used made me feel so unusual – sometimes I couldn't stop laughing, sometimes I couldn't stop crying, but I never talked.

I was dead. I could feel it. I could remember the moment I died, in fact I can't keep it out of my mind. Every minute or so I will relive the last seconds of my life, again I am reaching out blindly for Katniss, and pulling her close, then black.

When people try to talk to me I feel no compulsion to answer. When they ask how I feel I think how silly the question is. Don't they have anything better to do than ask a dead man how he feels. The drugs they pump into me give me all sort of "feelings", but they don't touch me, how can they I am dead.

I remember when I had feelings, I remember my life perfectly. From the time I was so small I couldn't reach my mother's hand till now I remember it all.

I remember my first death. It was a little death mind you, it was the death of hope. That occurred on the day I was reaped. Before I reached the stage my mind had gone through all the options, weighing my mind and strength, against the arena and careers, and came to a perfectly logical conclusion. I was going to die. I had seen enough games to know how it worked, I am very strong, and very smart, but it won't be enough. I knew they were going to make me suffer, long and hard, and then make me die alone. My grandpa had taught me to never be limited to what people expect, so by the time I reached the car to take me to the train, I had a plan. I was going to kill myself. When we reached the train and I saw all the liquor I was ecstatic, I am going to drink myself to death. When they come to wake me tomorrow it will be too late.

Then I sat down next to Katniss. It was then I realized how excited I was to be next to her. My infatuation with her was great, and even now at such a dire moment I wondered if she would let me hold her hand. She looked so determined. She looked at me like I was a piece of meat, that is when I knew she could do it, she could be a victor. I knew she was prepared to kill ever person including me who got between her and victory. So ended my first little death, with a small rebirth. Yes, I was going to die, but if I added my strengths to Katniss's she will make it. I will have a victory, the Capitol will lose this one because they don't even know what game I am playing.

After that everything worked so well. Yes, Haymitch thought I was the craziest man he had ever met but went along with it. With Haymitch, Cinna, and I made a girl with the most frosty attitude possible, without being a block of ice, into a darling of the Capitol. Later I bullshitted my way into the careers, and made them roam all over the arena, everywhere Katniss wasn't. When I fought Cato at the tree to save Katniss, I knew my part of the story was over, I went to hide somewhere and die, I had done all I could for Katniss. That was my second small death. But then through some miracle, me and her got together. I felt god's hand in this, how else was I to explain it.

The girl I was trying to save then saved my life three times, and showed me how much she could care. When I was a little boy she had been the cutest girl ever, and I loved her. After her father's death, she was the strongest person I could imagine. She became like the big green mountains the surround district 12, I beautiful force of nature. When I entered the arena she was going to be my vengeance. Now she was my flesh. I would call her my sister, but that isn't right. It may be awkward but she is my brother, my brother in arms. If all the armies of the Capitol came down on us, and she said "stand your ground" I would stand my ground without question. So when in the end the Capitol changed it's mind and wanted one of us to die, I was more than ready, I had prepared myself from reaping day till now. Katniss last bluff spoiled my plans. She had stolen from me my one chance at something I could call victory, but even more she had killed both the girl I loved and my brother in arms.

So now I sit here and do nothing, for you see I am dead.

They fitted me with some weird mechanical leg. I could move the ankle, just like a real ankle, and I did that for a while. Looking at the stump which use to be my leg, was so unreal, a live person would feel something, some emotion, but not me.

They wanted me to try walking, but I refused.

Then one day Haymitch came to my room. He came to my bed and unhooked my restraints. I sat up on the bed, confused at his intentions.

Haymitch visibly gathered himself up to tower over me. "Well boy, you have decided life isn't worth living. It took you long enough to figure that out. But while you sit there feeling sorry for yourself, I thought I would come and see how much more miserable I could make you. You know, 23 people died terrible deaths in that arena, and they all wanted to live. And the only asshole to make it out doesn't want to live at all. I'll bet they're all getting a laugh at that. Or how about this one – a boy falls madly in love with a girl who couldn't care less and whose only thought is getting home to her sister so she won't starve. I hope you knew that every time she kissed you, I got some poor sap to pay for another parachute, because _she _knew that. How about, I bet you thought if you both survive she would marry you. You would have a dozen rug rats, and live happily ever after. She never told you she never planned to marry and she definitely never planned to have any children. Romantic love just didn't register with her. Face it, kid, she owed you a debt, and that was you big hold on her. Yeah, you're right kid – life _sucks_."

In a moment I was on my feet ready to fight. I was in a blind rage, and wanted to crush Haymitch's skull. He had found every raw nerve in my body and stroked them with flame. I started falling over again and again as I tried landing a punch on Haymitch. Each time I felt terrible pain spring up from my leg. I just didn't know how to work my new leg. I should have felt humiliated by my performance, I should have felt frustrated at my ineptitude, but all I felt was rage. How dare he awake me from my death, bring me back to life, and make me face the truth!

"Hey boy, maybe if you practiced once in a while with that leg I might be in some kind of danger right about now," Haymitch said as he easily dodged my attacks.

As the pain from my leg, started to overcome my rage, I started to feel all the pain from my heart I had been suppressing. Haymitch had found every insecurity and real fear I had, with the precision of a surgeon. "You are wrong! You are dead wrong! She may not have known her own feelings well, but she loved me, she did!" I yelled.

"Maybe she did, but she is gone now!" Haymitch said with a sudden sad face. With that last verbal blow I lost all my steam and fell to the floor. I just cried my eyes out. Haymitch sat next to me on the floor, put his arm around me and pulled a bottle from his vest. We both sat there sharing the bottle. The whiskey burned my throat badly, but I didn't care.

"Why am I alive?" I whispered.

"I don't know kid. Hell, I never figured out why I 'm alive." Haymitch said with a sadness which almost matched mine. He missed her too. When the bottle was empty he picked me up and helped me back into my bed.

"Boy, I have been a mentor for 24 games and led 47 great kids to their deaths. You are right, life sucks. But boy, you are my first….my first success. You are going to live or I'm going to kill you," Haymitch said with no sign of irony. He left and his words rang in my ears until I understood that it was an offer, not a threat. He wanted me to know I had a way out, if I wanted it. I wondered how many times he had dreamed of a way out.

The night was full of dreams. I dreamt of Katniss. I relived every moment I knew her, every word, and every motion of her face. When I got to the part where she took the berries, there were two of me standing before Katniss. One Peeta was about to take the berries and other Peeta yelled at the first. "Don't let her do it!"

As I awoke, I rolled over. They mustn't have redone the restraint. My arm touched a belly. I felt it rise and fall slowly. I heard someone breathe, and I smelled Katniss's hair. I lay perfectly still, scared that anything I did might break the spell. I was crazy, but right now I didn't care. After a long time I couldn't help myself; my hand started to wander. I felt her little slot of a belly button. My hand moved up to feel her floating ribs and I started counting them.

"You know I'm awake." Katniss said. As my hand shot back to my side. I pushed my eyes shut, afraid that I might open them and that would somehow break the spell, but I wanted to see her so badly.

"Sorry, can I open my eyes?"

"No, please don't," Katniss replied.

"You are just in my head, aren't you?" I asked. It wasn't much of a question. I wanted to believe she was real, that she was here with me, but what Haymitch had told me had changed everything. My rational mind knew she wasn't real and she didn't want me to open my eyes to see nothing and prove it, but my rational mind was in a lopsided battle with my soul and it was bound to lose.

She grabbed my hand, laying it on her breast. It was so impossibly soft, but colder than the rest of her, almost chilled. And in the middle of the breast was a little rock hard nipple, slowly moving up and down with each breath.

"Katniss, how is this possible, you are…you aren't here."

"I don't know. But Peeta I need you to believe in me, _please_. Listen, Peeta, I can prove I am who I say I am. Ask someone about when you killed the girl from district 8, by the camp fire. I was there and you didn't know that."

"You saw that?" I said suddenly, ashamed of her seeing me kill. I had killed people! I am a murder and will be one for the rest of my life, and everyone knows it! The thought of the people I love, especially her seeing that was almost unbearable.

"I was in a tree right above your heads." Katniss answered.

"Why can't I see you?" I asked.

"I may still be Katniss, but I'm different. I guess I'm technically not human any more, but I'm still Katniss." It almost sounded like a question. She really doesn't know what she is?

"Did you hear what Haymitch said to me?" Katniss rolled away; I wasn't touching her anymore. I could feel her lying on her side on the edge of the bed.

"He said you had faked it. He said you didn't love me, that it all was for the cameras." I didn't want to know the answer, so I am not sure why I asked. I just have nowhere to hide anymore, I guess.

Katniss' voice cracked as she answered. "Peeta, what do you want from me? I didn't just offer everything for you, I gave it all. I don't know anything about love. I don't know _how_ to love. Every ounce of my being has been given to keep my family alive; I would do anything to protect them, anything! But in the end, I had a choice to make and I chose to risk them for you. And Peeta, remember I have promised to stay with you forever. What would you call it when someone gives all and promises to stay forever?"

"Love I guess." We just lay there, not talking for the longest time. In my heart I knew she loved me even if she didn't, but it hurt to think she didn't feel the same romantic way about me.

I reach deep inside myself and say, "If we both had survived, you wouldn't have married me, would you?" I asked.

She paused. "No. Haymitch was right. I had already decided never to marry or have children, but Peeta, you and I would always be together in one form or another. Maybe we would be lovers, I'm certain we would be friends, and I would never suffer you any harm." I could hear her crying, but we had both run out of words. After a while, I rolled over and cuddled her. I felt her body jerk as she sobbed. I held her hand and pushed my pillow under her head.

"Please, don't cry anymore." I said.

"Peeta, you need to get out of here. You promised to protect my family. You can't stay here."

"They think I'm crazy, because I talk to a dead girl."

"Peeta, it is still just a game remember, if you don't play along our families will suffer! Please Peeta, just play along, okay?"

I made my peace with my insanity and said, " Okay, I will. I will do my best sane person impersonation, but I want to see you."

"Peeta, you are a good artist, right? I'll tell you what: I will pose for you tonight, late tonight."

We lay there and for a long time and just talked. She told me the true story of Prim and Lady. I told her about how the star-crossed lover bit was my idea, and how Haymitch almost choked to death when I told him what I wanted to do.

Next thing I knew, the Avox girl was trying to wake me. She had a bowl of soup in her hands. Katniss was gone, like she was never here and I guess that was right. Maybe she was just in my head, but it was Katniss in my head, not some imaginary part of me. I eat the soup and smiled at the Avox. It was time I started my biggest act I have ever done, acting normal. The Avox girl looked at me for the first time like I was crazy. All those days I wouldn't eat or talk she accepted me, to her that was normal, now she thought I was crazy. I hope I can fool the doctors!

After that I started talking to the doctors and asking for food. Later I asked them to help me practice with my new leg. For the first time I saw the ugly stump of a thing as part of me. I felt like crying, but didn't for now I need to look ready to go home. The nurses and doctors seemed content, and I even joked a little with them. In Panem everyone must be two faced, but I'm going to be the grand master of two faces.

After the exercises, I pretended to take a nap, and I silently prayed for a half hour. I knew I must hide all my negative emotions from the doctors and nurses. From here on out every visible action must be of a sane person. In my prayers I raged against god, I told him how sadistic he had been to me. How I hated him. Every time I said that to him an image of Katniss pulling me from my hiding spot would appear in my mind. That moment had been and still is the must beautify moment I ever had. He had not said a word, but he won the argument.

An hour later I asked one of the doctors for charcoals and a large pad of drawing paper, to give me something to do. When he came back I drew his picture for him and then I drew all the nurses. They all got a kick out of it, but I was really practicing to draw Katniss. I couldn't wait to see Katniss!

Then a nurse came by and turned out the lights. I felt so excited. Katniss had only appeared when I was about to wake up, so I tried to get some sleep. But how could I when I was so eager? Lying there in the dark, I argued with myself.

Part of me said Katniss must have been a dream or an illusion. She was just part of me, but I couldn't convince myself. I lay there counting and counting until I finally fell asleep somewhere above 900.

I woke with a start. The room was deep black and I could only see a few blinking lights from the instruments. I could feel someone moving around in my room, and something moving in front of the lights.

"Katniss, is that you?" I asked, but there was no reply. I could feel a cool breeze on my back and I shivered. When I gazed into the dark, I could barely make out two eyes looking back. Slowly, I could make out a face behind the eyes.

"Hi, Peeta. Are you ready to draw me?" Katniss' voice seemed to drift across the room.

"My God, I had forgotten how beautiful you were." Katniss did a small roll of her eyes. "Peeta, you are always trying to sweet talk me. Just draw my picture." I really couldn't see what she was wearing – only her face was in sight. I pulled over what I guessed was a heart monitor and used its feeble light to see the charcoals and paper. I started drawing immediately.

"You never trusted me did you? You always thought what I said was a trap, didn't you?" I said as my hands carefully started drawing.

"Yes, at first. Well, I guess for a long time I felt that way. I certainly didn't believe you loved me from the time you were 5 years old."

"But you believe me now, right?"

"Yes, Peeta I finally see you as you really are." We talked for hours as I worked on my drawing. When morning came I found I had fallen asleep, but the picture was done. Looking at the picture I couldn't believe the work of art I had created. It was more exquisite than anything I had ever done. Katniss in the picture wasn't the starving girl I knew in the cave, but the healthy girl I knew before. She seemed so strong, intelligent, and determined in the picture.


	3. Crowning the Victors

**Crowning the Victors**

**The story so far.**

Peeta is a Victor, but the doctors tell him he lost his leg to an infection. They say he lost Katniss to nightlock poison and that he lost his mind to grief. On the other hand, doctors won't tell him how they saved him from an incurable poison, which should have fried his brain, or why they couldn't do the same for Katniss. The Katniss only Peeta can see or hear says the all are lying.

Peeta doesn't know if he is sane or not, or what really happened, but he knows what he is going to do. Peeta is going to take on the whole Panem and protect Katniss family, just like he promised Katniss he would. Panem doesn't know it yet, but an old evil has returned, and they are all in danger.

**Crowning the Victors**

Over the course of the next few days I looked so normal it was scary. I still needed a cane, but I was getting around pretty well. I told the doctors I knew Katniss was dead and, while I was still very sad, I knew I would survive. They all seemed very pleased with me and my efforts to recover.

I sucked down all my pain and fear. I needed to fool these people and I knew I could do it. Sometimes I would fake a nap and just lay there praying for the strength to keep anything from showing. My hand would constantly feel my stump as I prayed, and give away that fact I wasn't really asleep, but I couldn't stop. My leg my poor leg.

A small part of Katniss had come back to me, and I was determined to stick to my bargain with her. I knew at some point I would breakdown, I could not do this for ever, but I could do it long enough.

Soon the day for the ceremony had arrived and Portia showed up with a black suit for me. It was really a lovely suit. I was so glad that it was a somber color that fit my mood and didn't force me to act like things were normal. In keeping with the fire theme, it had some marvelous sheen on it that flashed yellow and red in direct light.

My crew, along with Portia, went to the training area and caught an elevator leading to the penthouse. The whole place seemed empty – no guards, no trainers, and no tributes. In the penthouse they prepared me. After I put on my suit, I sneaked into Katniss' old room and just looked around, only to find there was nothing of hers in the room.

We went to the stadium for the Victory Ceremony. As I walked down the long, dark hall underneath the stage I could hear the roaring of the crowd.

At the end of the hall Haymitch was waiting for me. His face changed when he saw the somber expression on my face and he knew I was in no mood for an upbeat message.

Haymitch took my shoulders and said, "Peeta, you gave it your all, you held nothing back, and the fact that Katniss didn't make it is not your fault. Don't become like me. Don't let your losses haunt you. I'm sure Katniss would have liked to think your knowing her somehow made you stronger."

"Katniss did make me stronger. I know you are worried about me and you think I have become unhinged, but it isn't so. Remember I was one of the weakest to enter the arena, I was the one who knew he wouldn't make it, yet here I stand. I survived over them all because I wasn't even thinking of myself. I was driven by love, and that is much stronger than fear."

Haymitch grabbed me and whispered in my ear, "Peeta, you and Katniss have become some kind of fascination with the people and the President doesn't like it. I'm not sure what you should do, but be on your guard, okay?"

Instead of letting go he paused for a long time, then, "Peeta, you should know… they operated on your brain. When I first saw you, you still had the scars. I 'm not sure what they did but all your original doctors are dead now. One of the nurses told me what they did to save you was illegal, but she didn't say what it was." He let go of me and quickly turned and went down the hall. He didn't want to give me a chance to say anything.

Above me I could hear the anthem play and Caesar greeting the crowds. I searched the dark corners of the hall, half-expecting Katniss' gray eyes to peer out. Then I heard my prep team being announced and the roaring of the crowd. I had a nervous feeling and in my head I called for Katniss to come.

Then Effie was announced and the crowd's chanting grew even louder. _Please, Katniss, I need you with me, this is going to be so hard_. I then heard them call Haymitch and the crowd stomped and screamed, positively shaking my bones. I heard a speaker in the hall telling me to prepare, and I centered myself on the elevator.

My knees were shaking and I leaned even harder on my cane.

The elevator started up and I thought I would throw up. The elevator broke through the trap doors onto the set, where Caesar shouted my name. The crowd went wild. It was a bright summer's day and the huge crowds stretched out before the stage.

There were so many people, thousands just lining up from the stage back. As I took my first step, the one lone dark cloud moved over the sun and the stage went dark. Between my shaking knees and my nausea, I moved slowly, leaning hard on my cane. To those in the audience I must have looked like an old man. My jet black suit made it hard to see, but every time a light hit the suit, great licks of red and yellow fire jumped across the suit.

As I hobbled across the stage, I heard more and more of the clapping end. I missed my mark where I should have turned to sit and walked slowly to the very edge of the stage. I stared out over the crowd, half-expecting to see Katniss in the crowd. I scanned their faces and they just stopped cheering. I finally turned around and sat in my chair just as the cloud passed and once again the day was luminous.

Though it was not on purpose, I knew from now on this whole day, which Snow meant to be a celebration, was going to be a wake. When they began the review tape I knew I was in for three hours of pure pain.

They started at the beginning with the reaping, the parade, and the training. Every tribute received some screen time, but Katniss and I had the lion's share. For the first time I saw all that Katniss went through before the rules change, and sure enough there she was in the tree when I killed the girl from District 8.

Maybe I was not so crazy after all. I also saw how I tried to mislead the careers about Katniss' abilities and strategy, me fighting Cato to protect Katniss, and my retreat to the river. So even though I was the Victor, my own story kept pointing back at Katniss. She became the center of the story.

Watching Katniss and Rue join together was very hard, because I knew how it would end. Rue really had been a beautiful child. I had to say watching, the explosion that destroyed all the Career's supplies was the best part, and got a lot of crowd applause. When we arrived at Rue's death and Katniss' beautification of the body I was so proud of Katniss that it almost overcame the sadness of the moment. The crowd got noticeably quiet during this whole section.

The cave scenes were next, which brought back so many memories. I had to fight not to cry. When I saw what Katniss had to go through to get me the medicine, I really thought I was about to lose it.

When Cato died the filmmaker did something new, something radical – he started cutting away to groups of people in the city. From there, the screen split with random groups of people on one side and our story on the other. For the first time, I saw the sheer joy many had when it seemed we had won. People where hugging one another and all the young girls were crying.

And then they showed the rule change and you could see everyone stop, as if the whole city was holding its breath. I couldn't believe the government allowed these images and I became concerned for the life of the film's editor. It was almost over when the most anguishing part came. The crowd was noticeably quiet when we relived the last moments of Katniss' existence.

When it showed us putting the berries in our mouths, it seemed as if the whole city was screaming at their screens. Claudius announced us both as the winners. We both fell together and you could see me pull her close. We ended up looking like we were just spooning each other on the ground, both obviously dead.

They came to retrieve our bodies and you could see the doctors in the shuttle, working on our bodies. Katniss and I were on two beds, side by side, as dozens of doctors buzzed around us.

You could see the head doctor's mouth and read his lips as he said, "I'm calling it. At 11:22 they are both dead." Claudius announced that we were both dead. The screen went blank, and on our side there were a series of images of people just staring at their screens in terrified shock.

Then Claudius came on the screen and announced, "Peeta Mellark is alive and is the 74th annual Hunger Games victor!" I had never seen anything like it. I didn't think anyone had. I was dead…I was dead for something like an hour. What happened in that hour?

_Katniss, where are you? Why did you let me go through this alone? I feel so alone up here._

When I stood up at the end of the film the whole crowd stood up with me. The anthem sounded again, and from behind the stage came President Snow, followed by a small girl with a crown on a pillow. He greeted the crowd and placed the crown on my head. At first I saw the anger in his eyes as he forcibly placed the crown on my head.

As he looked into my eyes he saw something, I didn't know what, but suddenly I could see the fear in his eyes as he almost stumbled back. He presented me to the crowd and quickly as possible, left the stage.

I knew from President Snow's actions that I would need allies. I would need to use every bit of my charm and every bit of the people's sympathy to get through this. If I was going to protect the Everdeen family, I would have to make the option of attacking me politically impossible.

Maybe if I acted strong enough he would seek me out as an ally. We would see. I had come up with a terrible scheme. I would have to manipulate the people's better feelings and convert Katniss from a person into a symbol.

After the show I asked for Effie to get my picture of Katniss, and with it in hand we went to the presidential mansion for the Victor's Banquet. At the banquet everyone wanted to talk to me and get their picture with the new Victor, as they do every year. But unlike every other year, they also gave their condolences. It all had the air of a funeral.

I did the best I could to work the crowd and charm each one the best I could. Effie often knew the people and gave insight, but her idea of important and mine did not agree. So I depend on my own abilities most of the time. My grandfather and to a lesser extent grandmother had taught me how to read people. They had taught me to watch the body language and eyes to find the deeper meaning in every conversation. People of equal rank walk all over each others conversation and ignored each others eyes. People with superiors always look into their eyes before beginning, and don't interrupt. When in doubt just ask one person about the other, their attitude will tell it all.

Most of the people came and went, but a group of women formed that just hung around me. In the group I discerned two different types, those who were mourning Katniss and who really wanted to have her bravery and determination, and those whose heart broke for the star-cross lover survivor. It was also obvious that many of them thought my story was so romantic they couldn't resist me. The hunger in some of their faces was disturbing. I hoped I won't have to play that card.

Eventually I met Livia Stone, who seemed to be the pinnacle of society from the others' reaction to her. She was an elderly woman in a dark purple dress, so dark it almost looked black. We began conversing about art, of which she was an obvious admirer and a major patron.

I brought out my picture of Katniss and shared it with her. She fell all over herself to praise it. She offered to set up a show for my artwork whenever I was ready. Livia sent her servant to get a frame for the picture and a stand.

As soon as the picture was up people started gathering around it. Without any planning or forethought, things began to happen. People started placing flowers all around the picture, and someone got a big piece cardboard and placed it next to the picture. People started writing small notes on it. Some of the notes were simple condolences; others were notes on their favorite memory of Katniss. Many mentioned her bravery in the reaping and in the game. Some talked of her beauty in the parade and interview.

When I finally told Effie I was too tired to continue, the sun had just risen below the horizon. In just a couple of hours we would be preparing for the interview with Caesar.

Katniss had not made an appearance all day and I began wonder if something was wrong, or if something was somehow right. Maybe I was under some kind of delusion, and it suddenly disappeared. But if it was a delusion, it was one hell of a delusion.

We returned to the 12th floor of the training center, just one last time. I told Effie I wished to sleep only a couple of hours and I that I wished to sleep in Katniss' old bed. Effie's eyes watered and she embraced me.

Then,she handed me Katniss' Mockingjay pin. "I was going to take this back to Katniss' family, but I think it would be better if you gave it to them."

"Thanks, it ...well, thanks."

I went into Katniss' old bedroom, holding the pin tightly in one hand, and lay down in the dark. "Please Katniss, please talk to me." I whispered to the room. I needed to fall asleep. I lay there as still as possible, counting in my head. Many hours later Effie came in to tell me we needed to prepare for the interview. I had not slept at all.


	4. Render on to Caesar

**Render on to Caesar**

Between two tall mountains and through a valley of tall silvery towers of the Capital city, the first rays of the sun stream though Katniss's training center's window. The huge towers of the city spoke of wealth, and promised to contain a vibrant _civilization_, and the mountains spoke of the natural beauty of this world. The city was a great work of art, but it's image in my mind was forever tainted by the cruelty of it's people. On the other hand the mountains did beckon to me. I found the thought disturbing, because I knew it came from a part of me that just wanted to escape. Deep down there was a part of me that wanted to forget the games and even forget Katniss and just escape. I sit there on her bed and allow those selfish thoughts to wash over me. I could go back to the district be rich and famous, at least by District 12 standards. I could ask for and get almost anything I want there after this. I picture me with some nameless wife and family, in one of those grand Victor's Village home. My family would never feel the want of other in the district, until they came of age. That thought "until they came of age" stopped the whole day dream. No there was no simple, happy ending for me, not now, not ever.

I gather all my mental strength and say "Well time for the show." to the empty room. I start plotting what I wanted to say on camera as I took a bath. I wanted a shower, but my leg was too tricky still. The doctors and nurses were impressed with what I accomplished in just a couple of days, but they told me to expect months of work to get the leg good enough to pass as real. They gave me some videos and a schedule of exercises that stretched out 18 months. Soon my crew busted in on my bath and started laying out clothes and makeup. They allowed me no privacy, just like they did before the games. I did not get upset being naked with them before but now with my stump, it just didn't feel right having them here. Again my stylist Portia anticipated my mood and brought dark somber colors. The suit itself was a black suit, but it had a bright rich red tie, whose shape and color suggested a flame. In her hand she had a cane. The cane's body was a dark wood and I instantly said with a laugh "Mahogany!" None of them laughed at the joke, they didn't get it. It was capped with a golden crown shaped cradle nestling a bright marble ball as a hand hold. The ball smooth cool surface almost gravitated into my hand. On one side on the golden cradle a beautiful girl's face stared out. I knew the face, it was Katniss's.

The cane make me think of grandpa, he had an old oak cane the whole time I knew him. I so wish he was here. He was the wisest person I ever knew, even a little wiser maybe than grandma. I can picture him again in his white hair and his kind blue eyes. As a little kid me and him would walk all over the village and he always seemed to know everyone. He knew their names, their stories, and what made them tick. He explained so much to me about the history of Panem, about District 12, and about people. Through him I learned to understand my mother, and the fears that drove kindness out of her. What would he think of me and Katniss? What would he say to me now? Did he not say to "Hold on to the ones you love, don't even let death separate you from them. Love will make you strong enough to do what you have to do."

I lift my face and give a generous smile. "Thanks Portia, it is a wonderful cane."

"It was sent to me by a fan who made it by hand for you." She said as she pointed to some writing engraved under the face of Katniss. I almost drop the cane in shock as I read "Thanks to the man who showed us all such a great love. She still lives." I faint a sneeze to give myself a second, to recover. Surely the person who wrote this meant this to be taken in a metaphorical way, but still it struck too close to home. Where is she! She hasn't talked to me for days now.

In our living room I saw the technicians set up for the interview. A half dozen were busy setting furniture and light for the interview. Haymitch was there though he didn't look good, he drinks too much. A young woman with neon red hair, and a silver jump suit look outfit came over. "Hello Mr Haymitch, congratulations on your Victor." and said to me "Hi, I'm Aemilla, Caesar's assistant. I am such a fan of you and Katniss, I really want to help you have a good interview. Is there anything you need." As she said this she grabbed my free hand and held it. Her concern and concentration was so well polished from years of doing this I had a hard time determining how sincere it was.

Haymitch injected. "Peeta has been through a lot. I am going to need your people to treat him gently."

Aemilla responded, while still holding my hand "Of course! Peeta you have to know that your story has affected everyone very deeply, it is beyond anything I have seen before. I can tell you that Caesar and me both cried our eyes out at the game's end. Just tell us what you want to say and we will make room for it."

I had concluded that she was truly concern and laid out what I wanted to say for her. Haymitch listened carefully but said nothing. I knew Haymitch was still judging me, still thinking I was just going to go bonkers on him at any minute, but I never broke character. I was playing a part of a sane, but very injured Victor and I was determined that no-one ever know how crazy I was. Where are you Katniss? Why don't you support me now?

I held my picture of Katniss in its new frame and set it down by the chair that I was to sit in. Caesar soon came by to shake my hand and he sat down in the other chair. The director started his count down. The camera's lights came on.

"Peeta, I think I can truly speak for the whole of Panem when I both congratulate you for winning and send our condolences for your loss." Caesar began.

"Thanks Caesar. So many people have said the same thing to me in the last couple of days and I would like to publicly thank them all here if you don't mind."

Caesar laid his hand on my arm and said, "I think everyone in Panem wants to know first how you are faring."

"I have been and will always be deeply wounded, and I don't believe these wounds will ever truly heal. What I don't think everyone understands is that wounds can help you, make you stronger, wiser, more determined. I have now inherited Katniss' strength; I suspect many people will be astonished by how she has improved me."

"I was told that you have something you want to show me." I pulled out Katniss' picture and gave it to Caesar, who then turned it toward the camera. The effects on Caesar were dramatic; his eyes turned red and watery and seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Wow, this is Katniss as I remember her, as I think we all remember her, as she was on my show just weeks ago. You did this while you were in the hospital, from memory?"

"Yes, it was the first thing I wanted to do. I just…had to see her again." Caesar called for a glass of water and the make-up people tried to rush in and fix his make-up, but he shooed them away. Someone brought forth a stand for the picture and Katniss' picture spent the rest of the interview between us.

"A lot of people in Panem were confused by the end of the game – first one Victor, then they announce two Victors, then there was to be no Victors, then announced you as the one Victor. Panem has never seen anything like it. And then this whole thing about you being dead for an hour. Can you help us explain any of that?"

"Not really, but I can tell you there was a great battle of wills going on. On one side I was willing Katniss to live and on the other Katniss was willing me to live. Katniss, I'm afraid, always wins."

The rest of the interview went well. We spent a lot of the time talking about what Katniss did and how special she was, which was just what I wanted.

When we talked about me we talked about how hard I had worked to keep her alive. I came off as a saint and Katniss as a modern Joan of Arc. It was amazing. The only disappointment was my thinking about the people who really knew Katniss and them watching this, feeling her memory being used, which it was.

I just hoped the Everdeen family understood why I was doing this.


	5. Marcus's War

**Marcus's War**

Far away in a fortress, hidden beneath a ruin city, an army prepares for another war. Some of it soldiers were already fighting in the districts and even the Capitol in a secret war of spies and saboteurs. One of District's 13s star spies was Marcus Lef, who was now home for a while recovering from his last mission.

Marcus sat at a desk reading a seemingly endless list of reports. He had one leg in a cast propped up on another chair. Marcus looked every bit a member of a ruling class, from his bright blue eyes, noble sharp nose, dark widow's peak, to his hollow cheeks. He came by his looks honestly, his mother had been an Lucien, one of the founding families of Panem. The Lucien's had previous presidents in their line, but when they opposed the rise of Snow they doomed themselves. Marcus's mother and father somehow managed to stay alive long enough to get him to adulthood in the Capital. When they were finally arrested he had to escape to District 13. District 13 depended on exiles like him for their spying, people who knew how to fit in to a crowd in the Capital, and knew important people who might help undermined the government.

The office he worked in was dimly lit. It had 9 empty dull gray desk, and the one Marcus worked at. The room had no windows the same as all other rooms in District 13. It was very quiet and cold in the office, and Marcus hated every inch of the room, and every minute he was in it, but he was a good soldier and never complained. Now he was playing analyst and going through all the field reports looking for patterns and clues, anything useful others had missed when they read the reports. It was long and boring job, 98% of everything you read led no-where but he was ok with it, if his leg would just stop itching. He had been working for 13 hours, determined that he would find something that others had missed, but so far nothing.

On his desk, was a group picture of his graduation class, from the District 13 intelligence school. Marcus was on the front row, right in the center, because he was first in the class. In the picture the tall blond beauty Sarah, the second in class, so she was on his left, she had stolen ever boy's heart in the school, she jumped out a window to avoid being captured 6 months after graduation. On Marcus's right was the class third, Julius the greatest wit Marcus had ever known, he would have been first in class if he could have stop making fun of the teachers, PeaceKeepers blew his brains out 2 years ago. Half of all the people in the picture, and most of the people he considered friends are now dead. The Capitol is just getting to good at finding agents. If it wasn't for a jump from a moving train, and the breaking of his leg, he would have already been dead too.

Alone in an office, Marcus's legged itched, it itched something terrible. He was trying to get a pencil down the side of the cast, when he lost his grip. Now he had to find a way to get the pencil out!

At some point while trying to dig the pencil out, he got the feeling he was being watched, he looked up to see the huge dog faced major Clemens looking down at him perplexed. Major Clemens looked angry but then he always looked angry.

"I have some work for you, you are a history buff right?", Major Clemens said with a sneer.

As he tried to stand up and salute, he said. "Yes sir, I have a master's in history." His plan was always to be a history professor by now, that is why he graduated from the Capital University, years earlier than was supposed to be possible. Life never happens like you think it would.

By this time most Majors would have his butt in a sling, but he knew major Clemens and he didn't care much for formalities if you could get the job done. "What do you know about the war at the end of the world?", he said as he bent over and pulled the pencil out of Marcus's cast, and with a frown gave it back. Marcus was puzzled by the reference to that ancient _nearly mythical _war that destroyed the old world with all it's peoples and wonders.

Good, he must have something better then paperwork for me, Marcus thought. "My thesis was on the battle for Atlanta."

"At your ease." the major said as he pushed Marcus back into his chair. "Our agents in the Capitol just filed a report, saying that some Capitol doctor has re-invented a monster from the old world."

Marcus said, "A monster?" Marcus stared confused at the strange look on the major's face.

Major Clemens said, "I hope this is nothing, but I want you to run it down." His voice said much more than his words. He was scared of something, but what.

Marcus said, "What kind of monster, one of Snow's mutants? What did he do now cross a lion, and viper, or something like that?"

"No we are talking about what my grandmother use to scare kids to bed with. It may not be their official name, but she called them banshees. God help us." The cold of the room filled Marcus, and he shivered.


	6. The Long Ride Home

**The Long Ride Home**

After the interview with Ceasar, me, Effie, and Haymitch are taken to the train to return home. I felt like sleeping on the way to the train station, but sleep just won't come. I just curl up in the car and close my eyes.

After getting on the train I went directly to bed and tried to get some sleep. I just lay in the dark looking for gray eyes in the dark corners of the room. For hours I just lay there. After a long while I give up and start wandering around. It was the same cabin we had used on the way to the Capitol. I found the hole Katniss created in the mahogany wood top of the table and just sat there playing with it. Feeling the hole I could picture that morning so perfectly, every detail. It seemed so much more real than what I am experiencing now.

The idea popped into my head that her body must be on this train. Somewhere here is a box with Katniss in it. I started tramping all over the train looking for her coffin. I met porters in the hallways and asked each one where Katniss's body was. None of them seemed to know. Finally I met one who thought he knew where the body would be. He led me to a crate-filled room of one train car. Together we looked over each crate until I found one marked "Katniss Everdeen in care of District 12 Affairs Office, NOT TO BE OPENED". I sent the porter away with a huge tip. Part of me wanted to open the box and part of me just wanted the box to go away. I sat down on the floor and leaned on her crate, I wished I had a stiff drink.

I felt a huge wave of depression come over me. I knew I wanted to grieve. I wanted to sit here for days and just feel what I lost. "Why am I alive? We took the same poison at the same time and you were in better shape. I told you I wanted to die. I had accepted that fate. I had made my peace with my death as long as you lived. Why couldn't you just let me die?" My hands covered my face in despair.

I heard a whispered, "Get up!" At least I think that is what I heard, I was not sure. Could it be Katniss? Why would she be telling me to get up? I tried to picture her in the room, watching me, and in an instant I knew what was going on. If Katniss were here she would have been sick to her stomach watching me wallowing in my self-pity. Wow, I hadn't thought about that, I am sharing every moment of the rest of my life with her. So much for self-pity. I wipe my eyes and get up and straighten my shirt.

"Okay, Katniss I think I get the message. But if you are going to take my privacy away, I want your company in exchange, okay?" I waited but nothing happened. "Hey, Katniss, I'm getting the feeling I'm talking to an empty room." I waited some more. "Damn, I'm crazy."

Okay, assuming my getting drunk and crying myself to sleep was not an option what should I have been doing now? I needed sleep. I hadn't slept in two days. On my way to my cabin I started thinking about what was going to happen when we reached District 12. There had never been a victor in District 12 during my lifetime. So I guessed there would be a lot of celebrations, speeches, and people wanting my time. But I needed to talk to the Everdeens. I would have to somehow sneak into District 12 and talk to Katniss' mother and sister.

I started hunting for the porter I had overpaid. When I found him I asked to be taken to the train's engineer. The porter led me to the first train car and hit the intercom.

My porter said with a wink and a smile, "Hey guys, you'll never guess who I got here, who wants to talk to you." He thought this was going to be a great joke on them.

"It better be an official. You know we aren't allowed to bring people up here," rang back from the intercom.

"It's Peeta Mellark the Victor." My porter gave a small laugh thinking about the chaos he just created.

The door opened and a man who looked not much older than me, in a gray outfit stuck his head out. "My God, he is right, it is Peeta. Come on in." He motioned me in like I was some kind of royalty.

The control room was small and covered with all kinds of controls and screens, and in the middle were two seats for the engineers. Outside the pine forest sped by at a terrifying speed. The one engineer was still sitting watching a screen. He turned around. "Holy shit, Peeta Mellark, I knew you were on board but I didn't expect to meet you." We shook hands all around. The two engineers seemed so happy to see me I knew this was going to work.

"Guys I've a problem and maybe you could think of a solution. Tomorrow about 2 pm we are scheduled to be in District 12 and I expect there is going to be a huge crowd to meet me. The problem is I really want to talk to Katniss' family alone before dealing with the crowd. Do you have any ideas?"

The second engineer seemed to the senior and spoke up. "Oh wow, man, I was so sorry to hear about Katniss. You know we all thought both of you would make it. So what you need is for us to get into the district early. We could press the engines and get there faster, but we have the Mississippi stop to make too and it will have to be on time."

The other man, who had let us in, chimed in. "Couldn't we call ahead and see if anyone is getting on or off at Mississippi stop? Most of the time no one does in this direction."

A couple of calls later they agreed that they could get into the district a full hour before anyone expected us.

"Thanks, guys, I owe you big time. All three of you guys can consider yourself invited over to my house for supper. Just give me a month to set up my new house and then come over anytime you want." I said.

They all agreed I was very generous and I headed back to my cabin. I started thinking I would need to court everyone I could from now on. Every person high and low might be needed from here on out if I had really made President Snow my enemy. Today I made a couple more friends; I need to do that every day. My life from now on will be like a politician's.

I went to Effie's room, and woke her, she wouldn't let me see her without her makeup on and we spoke through the door. I told her what I was doing and to let Haymitch and the rest of my crew know what was happening. I would have told Haymitch but I highly suspected he was too drunk for my words to get through.

By the time I reached my cabin, I again wanted nothing more than to sleep. As soon as I reached the bed I fell face first on my bed and fell asleep.

"Peeta, wake up," Katniss whispered into my ear.

I did feel a thrill at her voice, but was too tired; I didn't open my eyes, or move at all. "Katniss, please I'm so tired. I've done everything I can today for you and your family. Besides, you have ignored me for days, just let me sleep."

"Peeta, please wake up. It wasn't my fault I haven't talked to you." Katniss said with a plea in her voice.

I rolled over, without opening my eyes and say, "Well whose fault was it then?"

"Yours. As far as I can tell you are in charge of when I can appear."

That got my attention. "How am I controlling it, then?"

"I don't know. But many times I say things and you don't seem to hear me. It is really very annoying.", says Katniss.

That got me to thinking. I pictured again the ceremony and President Snows reaction. "Did Snow see you?"

"I think so, at least by his reaction."

"Has anyone else seen you?"

"I think the Avox girl saw me sometimes," said Katniss.

My mind starts moving again. "So you think I can make you visible to me or other people at will?"

"It seems that way."

"I'll have to think about that." I said.

Katniss seemed annoyed with me as she said, "Peeta, that isn't what I want to talk about. Tomorrow you will be back in the district and you will see my family. I want you to give them some messages."

"Did you write messages?"

"No. I meant to but I didn't write anything before the games. I've a hard time putting my ideas on paper."

"Katniss, if I pen letters for you they will know it isn't your handwriting."

"I'll help you fake my hand style. Please, Peeta, this is may be my last chance to talk to them."

"Okay, but you owe me a kiss." I said and waited a couple of very long seconds. I felt her breath on my cheeks and sensed her warm lips lightly touch mine. My whole body became flush with excitement, and in a fraction of a second it was over. I felt like I had just witnessed a miracle, and once again was wide awake.

I decide to push my luck. "I'm going to open my eyes, okay?"

"We can try." She replied.

Right in front of me was Katniss. She stood next to the bed, she wore our old training outfit. I study every inch of her face, looking for the flaw that would prove this was some kind of illusion or trick. Every hair on her, every pore was there, but I could also see through her, she was a shadow, a living shadow! I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I was afraid of what might happen. "Let us figure out what you want to say first and then figure some way to fake your handwriting."

I had thought faking the hand writing would be the hard part, but I had never tried to get Katniss to express herself before. We started with her mother and it was soon very obvious she had many issues with her. Trying to get her to forgive her mother even just on paper was horrible. I had to have her tell me a dozen stories of her early childhood just to get her in touch with the love she had felt for her mother. It was very hard on Katniss and she cried a lot, but we finally got her to forgive her mother on paper and express her love and admiration one last time. We added a section to explain how Katniss and I had promised to adopt each other's families should one or the other survive. I tried to get her to talk about her funeral but she wouldn't even talk about it.

For Prim things went much easier. Mostly I worked with her on telling Prim how proud Katniss felt of herself that she could do this for Prim, and how she thought Prim was worth this sacrifice.

Strangely enough I was the one who believed in an afterlife, not Katniss, so I put words in her mouth about believing she would go to a better place if she died.

After Prim Katniss thought she was finished, but I insisted she add a section for Gale. Of course I had seen her and Gale together many times, and I had to confess my fear and jealousy. She did not want to talk of Gale in front of me and she obviously wasn't even sure how she felt. Again I had to have her tell me a couple of Gale stories before she could feel her own feelings. We penned a section of her admiration and thankfulness to him. In it she told him how knowing him had made her stronger and better able to face this challenge.

I have to say by the end we were both crying. I learned so much about her that night, I was amazed and so terribly in love with her again.

I loved having her here, but every moment I was with her I felt more and more ill. Several times I almost throw up, but pushed it back. Something about being around her now seems to make my stomach do flips. I could also feel a building anxiety. I felt my life was in danger, though I could not put my finger on anything threatening. I tell her nothing about the way I felt, but she could not have missed how sickly I must have looked.

Then we spent hours trying to rewrite it in her handwriting. To help me get the shapes of the letters right she put her finger on my back and made the shapes of the letters. The trouble was her finger felt more like an insect crawling on my skin, than her finger. I choke back more vomit.

After many hours of work she declares my fake good enough, and I fall back in my bed. I can't stay awake any longer. She lays down next to me and the last thing I see is her smiling eyes.


	7. Home Again

**Home Again**

In the morning I heard the porter knocking on my door. When I opened my eyes there was Katniss sleeping right next to me and my heart melted. She looks so beautify and calm just sleeping on top of the bed next to me.

"Mr. Mellark, we'll be in the station in about an hour," the porter said through the door.

"Thanks," I said. That woke Katniss, who smiled at me. "Good morning, Katniss," I said.

"Good morning. What are you staring at?"

"You, you're just so beautiful and …. well I love waking to your face." That made Katniss blush. I asked Katniss to turn around and I got dressed. When I turned around she was dressed in the same simple blue dress she had worn on reaping day.

"Katniss, your promise to stay was me was a little hollow, wasn't it? You can't leave me, can you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I can, maybe I can't, but I do know I don't want to," Katniss said.

Waking to Katniss and hearing that she wanted to stay put the first real smile on my face since the end of the games. I pushed away all thoughts of what I had to do today for a while, and just tried to live in that moment. When I finally turned to go for the door Katniss disappeared and I struggled to keep the image of her in my head.

After a quick breakfast I noticed that we were a full hour and half early, so my train engineer friends had done well. Looking out the window I saw the familiar green hills of home and for the first time I noticed how much I had missed them. For my whole life these green hills have looked down on me and somehow I had always thought they were protecting me, so I was so glad to be in their company again.

When the train stopped I jumped off and quickly hobbled across the train yard, afraid someone might recognize me. I flagged down a truck leaving the station.

"Could you give me a ride into town?" I asked old man in blue work clothes driving an old truck.

"You're Peeta!" he says.

"Yeah, I need to get down into the seam. Do you know where the Everdeen's house is?" I repeat.

"You aren't supposed to be here till 2. They all got a big party planned for you," the old man says.

"Don't worry, I'll get back for their party. Do you know where the Everdeen's house is?"

"Sure, I can take you there. You want to talk to Katniss's mother and sister, don't you? I'm so sorry for you. We all cried here about Katniss. I knew her father, you know. He saved my life along with 4 others guys the day he died. Yeah, I can take you."

He drove me down into the seam. Out the window I saw all the familiar images of District 12, and somehow after seeing the Capitol the sheer poverty seemed overwhelming. So many people walking around in old clothes and they all were far too skinny.

The old man just started talking, it seemed he had to get this off his chest. "I was there when we broke through to the cavern, Katniss's father, Evon was on lead that day, and he noticed the methane levels going up and ordered everyone out until the gas levels went down. After the first set of elevators we were met by the supervisor who said to go back down. The supervisor told Evon that he was risking the quotas, and Evon said the supervisor was threatening the whole mine. They had a huge argument. Evon fought all he could with the supervisor knowing that each minute they wasted arguing the gas was getting thinner. The supervisor was about to call the PeaceKeepers on Evon, so we went back to the elevators to go down. On the way there he tripped himself and blamed us, said we tripped him, and telling the supervisor we had to be punished. So they took us 5 guys up to get our lashes and before they laid a hand on us the whole mine blew up. Evon did that on purpose to save us, he knew what was going to happen, I could see it in his eyes as we parted. He saved my life and I wont forget that."

Soon we were in front of the Everdeen's shack of a house and I bid my driver goodbye.

I was almost to the door before I thought of what I was going to say. I felt my nerves creep up and I felt the urge to run away. To steady myself I pictured Katniss asleep in my bed this morning again, and I knocked on the door. When the door opened I saw the shocked face of Gale.

"Peeta!" Gale said.

"Can I come in?"

From inside the house I heard a woman's voice, "Who is it?"

"It's Peeta Mellark,., Gale said as he moved aside and I came in.

Inside I found Katniss's mother and sister sitting around a small wooden table holding hands. Both their eyes have bags and are very red. As I entered their eyes widened with surprise. I sat at the table and grabbed Katniss's mother's hand.

I stared into Katniss mother's eyes and said, "I'm so sorry. I did everything I could think of to bring home Katniss. Please forgive me."

"Why do you need to be forgiven?" she asks.

"She died trying to save me. If she had just killed me you would have your daughter today."

Katniss' mother was obviously speechless and just gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. On the other side of me I heard Gale pull up a chair and sit at the table.

"You loved her didn't you?" Katniss's mothers asked.

"Yes, I've loved her for years. I always dreamed I would one day marry her."

"Did she really love you?"

I turned to Gale and said, "I believe in my heart she did, but I know she herself was never sure of her feelings." And I was glad to see Gale accept what I say.

"I've a letter Katniss wrote before the game." I handed the letter to Katniss's mother. "The letter will explain that I promised to Katniss to adopt you two if I survived. I plan to do just that. As far as I'm concerned you two are family now, and I want you to come live with me in the Victor's Village, and help me deal with all of this."

"I don't know," Katniss's mother said.

"Read the letter and think about it, but no matter what you decide I already consider you family. Everything I have is yours. I'll need to get back to the train station soon. I'm afraid many other people here expect to see me at 2. Here, Prim, is the mocking jay pin,." I said as I handed Prim the pin. Prim said nothing. She seemed to be in shock.

As I was about to exit the front door I grabbed Gale by the arm. "Gale, go to the bakery and ask for a job and I will make sure my dad hires you and teaches you how to be a baker."

Gale seemed surprise as he says, "I don't know about being a baker."

"Think of your family. You will make enough money to take care of them all and never have to enter those coal mines. My father will need you because he is losing me. I know Katniss loved you too. I spent years being jealous of you, but that is all over and I want the best for you, because that is what Katniss would have wanted."

As I turned to leave Gale grabbed my arm. "Those interviews, you're playing some kind of game with the Capitol, aren't you?"

"Yes. I can't say much now, but with the Capitol things …. are, well, complicated. When things don't go the way they expect other people must pay a price."

Gale showed some fear as he said, "You sure you want to bring them into the middle of that?"

"Physically close or not everyone I know or care about is going to have a target on them. My fame is the only reason you or they are still alive. If I thought putting them far from me or ignoring them would make them safer I would do just that." I replied.

When I left the man with the truck was waiting for me.

"You waited all that time for me?" I said.

"You said you had to go back to the train station. How are they doing?"

"They are built of strong stuff, these Everdeens, but they are suffering. Don't you have some work you're supposed to be doing?"

The old man's face went grim as he said, "I also have some debts to pay to the Everdeens and to you too, I think."

He drove me back and when I got there I could see the crowd already forming around the train. I sneaked into the front of the train, made my way back to my cabin and changed into one of my black suits. I didn't need the cane anymore, but I'd gotten use to carrying it. I grabbed Effie on the way out and asked her to stand beside me as I greeted the people. Effie and I made our way to the back of the train. If I had thought Haymitch was awake I would have grabbed him too. At 2 Effie and I walked out the back of the train to greet the people. It looked like the whole district had shown up. There were thousands of them. Way up in front I noticed the mayor, my parents, and my brothers Adrian and Breen. My old group of friends stood near the front: Thomas, Ray, Alfie, Madge, and Delly. Out in the crowd I saw old teachers, fellow students, old customers, and so many others. I waved to them all and called many of them out by name. The mayor got up and made a short speech and then I went forward to speak.

The crowd roared and I could really feel their excitement. These people have suffered through so much they deserve a few moments of celebration. After many waves of my hands I finally get the noise down enough that they might hear me. "I don't think I can say how great it is to be back here in District 12. I have seen a lot, but nothing compares to having people who know and understand you around. The Capital has its grand granite peaks, but none of our gentile green giants. The Capital also has its towering buildings, but here the people tower. I consumed a lot of great food there but I am really looking forward to some District 12 home cooked meals. I really want to hear about your lives and all that happened since I left you. I want to hear about all the engagements now the reaping is over. I want to hear all the gossip. But I must warn you the games left me wounded, so please if you must ask me about what I went through, please let it be late at night, after we have raised many glasses in honor of Katniss. I miss her so much." At that the whole crowd went silent. During the silence everyone put up the three finger salute, and I was so proud of these people. I spent the next couple of hours shaking the hands of as many of the people as I could. I was determined to charm them to death. A few of the dumber people told me they had always thought I would be the Victor. I was proud of myself for not saying anything back. Most gave me condolences for Katniss. None of them told me that they had bet on Katniss, though I expect a lot of them did.

When I got through talking to everyone, I pulled Effie aside.

"Effie, I want you to talk to the Mayor and get the keys for my house in the Victor's Village."

"Which house?", Effie said.

"When I was a kid I would sneak into the Victor's Village sometimes, so I've already picked the Victors Village house for me. There is a brick house with a veranda two doors down from Haymitch on his left. Get the keys and put all my stuff in the house. If you want you can stay there too. I myself will not get there until late tonight."

Soon my mother, father, and brothers join me and wait at my side for me to finish with the crowd. My father, and brothers waited patiently but my mother was moving in that agitated way she had. She obviously was tired of the whole thing and just wanted to go home.

Mom interrupts whatever my Dad said about to say with, "Oh dear, I have missed you so. You had us so worried. We need to get away from these people and get you home, my legs are so tired."

I try and calm her down with, "Soon, very soon. Some of these people have been waiting a long time to shake my hand."

My father and brothers stepped back knowing they wouldn't get a work in when Mom was in a mood like this and she said "All these people avoided us the whole time you were gone. We have lost so much business the last couple weeks."

I started getting annoyed with dealing with her mood, but simply said. "They likely didn't know what to say to you, and assumed you wanted to grieve quietly. Don't worry now I'm back I sure business will boom. You all are going to be celebrated."

She finally smiled with, "Your right with our winnings we will be able to double the bakery."

I finally lose my temper and say as emphatically as possible "My winnings!" Maybe because of all the people around maybe because she felt I had changed she stop talking.

As we traveled home my mother did most of the talking, about how much she had suffered with worry over me. When we got home I told my whole family I was moving into the Victor's Village that night. This started an argument with my mother about how unkind I was. She tried to draw my dad into the argument and he tried to disappear into the wallpaper, as did my two brothers. I hugged my Father and apologized for the troubles I was causing him, and told him I loved him. I told my two brothers the same, but I added they were welcome to all the possessions I didn't take that night. Finally I tell my mom what I had been waiting my whole life to say, "I love you, from you I received life and from you I learned a lot about how fear can ruin a life." Her face turned deep red with anger, as it had so many times before, but this time she didn't hit me. Somehow she knew I would hit back today. And before I went upstairs to pack what I would take, I told them all they are welcome in my house, as long as they understand it is my house and I'm its master. As I went upstairs I felt a great weight being lifted from me as I would at last be free of the drama my mother presents.

Back in my old room I started packing up all my personal items in a few small boxes. It was amazing how little stuff there was. I picked up a baseball and thought, tomorrow is Saturday, which means baseball with my friends normally. What do you think are the chances they will show up tomorrow and ask if I can play? And here are my school books Do you think anyone is going ask where I am if I don't show up Monday in school? Will they ask for the books back? I had been making straight 'A's this year in school. Do you think anyone is going to ask for the homework? And all these work clothes, ready for me to work in the bakery, should I bring them? And here is my best outfit, which likely is worth less than the socks I am currently wearing. Every month there was a dance at the school and I would wear this each time. I don't think I will go to any more school dances. In my mirror I see a 16-year-old boy and it shocks me as my mind tells me my youth has just disappeared.

There were hundreds of pictures I had drawn around my room and many of them were of Katniss. My dream was always that I would figure some way to talk to her, she would fall madly in love with me, and we would marry. In my fantasy we would have a long and peaceful life with me having my own bakery and many kids. Well I guess she and I might have a long life together, but there will be no marriage, no children, and I guess no physical love.

Who is this boy in the mirror? I don't recognize him. Does this boy have a dead girlfriend he talks to every morning? And did this boy just get through killing several people? And is this boy taking on the whole government and President Snow? Who the hell is this boy and what is his relationship to me?

"Katniss, if you're here I so wish you would just give me a hug. I feel so alone here," I said. It crossed my mind to get drunk and try and cry this sadness out of me, but I tried to remember I must be strong, I must be strong for my dead girlfriend is watching. The things I do for my dead girlfriend.

I took the boxes outside, called some kids from down the street, gave them a little money, and told them to take the stuff to my new Victor's house.

Later that night I attended a big party in my honor in the center of town. There was food, drink, music, and dancing. I sat in the middle of a big table, in the center of it all, and did my best to be charming to all the people who came to congratulate me and give their condolences. I was the subject of many toasts and speeches, and I answered each with as much wit as I could muster.

When I finally left the party it was very late. Someone I didn't know drove me to the Victor's Village, which was good. I'd had too much wine. In front of the house I saw what a handsome house it is. It is huge, mostly brick, surrounded by a large wood veranda, two stories tall, and all lit up. The house was built over 74 years earlier on orders of the Capitol and constantly maintained even though no one had ever lived in it. Several times I had sneaked around this house over the years, so I knew it was fully furnished and ready to go. Years ago I had fantasized about owning this house, but now my mind was racing about all I had to do. The door was unlocked and I entered. I saw the huge living room with its beautiful natural stone fireplace on one wall and a stairs off to one side. I didn't see Effie, I was not sure if she was there or not. My guess was the master bedroom was upstairs, so I went up and looked around until I found a large bedroom. It had the largest bed I'd ever seen, with four huge dark wood posts which reached the ceiling. I just turned off the lights and flopped into bed. There I lay for hours, unable to sleep. The last time I looked it was 5 am and I was still awake.

"Peeta, morning," Katniss said, so I guess I did fall asleep.

I opened my eyes and Katniss was lying in my bed in her blue reaping dress.

"Did I do good?"

"Yes, Peeta you did good. Seeing my family tore me apart, but I don't know what I ever did to deserve you."

"You never did much for me, just save my life a couple of times and give me a reason to live," I said.

Katniss got a smile that just filled her face, and slowly gave me a long, lingering kiss.

We spent the next couple of hours planning what we could do together. I explained to her how I planned to stay in people's minds and hearts to keep Snow from touching us. Part of the plan would be to use my art to promote her as a great tragic heroine. Katniss didn't like the idea because she couldn't imagine anyone would go for it. Then I suggested that she could be the ultimate spy.

Katniss finally got excited, "Yes, I can walk right into the mayor's office or the peace keepers building and no one can stop me!"

"With the knowledge you get we'll be able do all kinds of things no one else can. How far can you travel from me?"

"I'm not sure. When you were in the hospital I tried to go up to the 12th floor once and I started to feel very weird."

"So maybe I'll have to get near the buildings we want to spy on, but still I think this is great idea!"

Also, I thought I should be able to control when she could appear. I just had to figure out what state of mind I needed to be in. So I resolved to meditate on this as often as I could.

The next day my doorbell rang for the first time and when I got to the threshold there was Effie. I welcomed her in with my best manners, because I knew how much it meant to her. We sat in the living room and I offered to make her some tea or coffee.

"Peeta, I'm sorry but I'm being called back to the Capitol. I don't know why. Normally after the games I'm given some time off, but this year they want me back right away." Effie's voice started to crack as she said, "You and Katniss were just great, you were my little pearls."

I gave her a hug and promised to stay in contact. When I held the front door, the morning sun shown in my eyes, and I squinted to see the day. I watched her walking away until she disappeared around the bend. I watched and waited not knowing what to do. Behind me was my house, in front of me was the Victor's Village, and for the first time I was alone and without anything in particular to do. I could feel some huge emotions building in me, I felt my tears gathering. I knew I had to do something now. I think to myself "It is a wonderfully bright summer's day." and then knew what I need to do. I said to myself "I need paints, oil paints, and some large canvases. Where in District 12 does one find such things?" So I get my cane and start off to town.


	8. Looking for Monsters

**Looking for Monsters**

Back in District 13, 300 feet below the surface of the earth.

The room was very small and the little square table in the middle took up half the room. On one side was Marcus diligently going through the check list of questions. Opposite of him was the woman District 13 had saved at great expense and danger from the Capitol secret service. She was tall, blue eyed, and with matching blue hair. Her documents said she was 43, she looked 35, and was trying hard to look 20. Silbia Lure hair was all matted down now, and she was extremely tired.

I hate this whole process, I know Silbia Lure is hating it, but this is likely the only time she will have to go though this, I have been through it dozens of times.

Interviewing people is a complicated process. People lie all the time, and for so many different reasons, the only thing you can be sure of is you are not hearing the whole truth. With the Capitol you also have to take in account that they might even believe something totally false. The Capitol sometimes sets up people, and other times even brainwash them. But the one interview which stuck with me the most is the recording they showed us during training, where the person just blew up killing all the people in the room. The Capitol has found a way to get bombs into people without their even knowing!

Silbia Lure had all the looks of the real thing. We found records of a Sibia Lure working for Doctor Lucus, and the pictures matched her face. No devices were found in her or signs of recent operations. She was middle age, but trying desperately to look younger. She alternates between being scared and annoyed, with our interview. So far we have asked her the same questions at least 3 dozen times over 3 days and found no notable contradictions.

"So lets go over again why you think the Capitols secret service is looking for you."

Silbia pleaded, "I am so tired of all this shit, we have covered all this so many times."

I lied, "We are getting near the end of the process, just answer the question.".

Silbia sighed before answering, "I got an alarm call from the lab, that they had a break-in, while I was on vacation in the mountains. The alarm went to my phone. I could see them... I could see the PeaceKeepers grabbing all research assistants, animals, and equipment."

"Then what?"

She leaned back and tried to comfort herself by rubbing her legs with her hands. She was obviously still very scared. "I started getting calls from friends saying that Doctor Lucus was dead, and everyone from the lab was being arrested."

"Why do you think this was happening?"

"There is only one good reason, I could think of, he broke protocol and implanted a device in a person. The Capitol barely allowed us to do animal research.", she said with wide eyes which could indicate anger or over acting.

I could feel my anger building just thinking of these people's carelessness, "Why would the good Doctor recreate a creature so dangerous, no one, I mean no one has even tried to do it for hundreds of years."

"He wasn't trying to create anything, he wanted to save people's lifes! The device could save hundreds of lives every year. I have seen it bring back subjects with 30% brain function loss!"

I attacked her again to see her response. "And you were completely ignorant of history, of what happened last time!"

"The device he made was only derived from those technologies, that is all. There were no signs of any un-natural abilities, in any of the test subjects. There is no reason to believe anything like that can happen again!" she said with just the right amount of anger, either she was really good or she was telling the truth.

"And these test subjects were what?"

"Monkeys"

How could they be so careless I thought and said. "Did it never occur to you that it might be different in a human?"

"I'm saying we are the experts, we have studied it a lot longer then you and we don't believe there is any real danger!"

"And if you are wrong, were would we find the patient, with the implant."

"I told you I wasn't there. I was on vacation. I don't know who they put the device into."

"That part of the story I never bought. You may not have been there, but you think you know who it is."

Silbia head slumped down and she spoke to the table, "I don't know anything, but Peeta Mellark... well I how else could anyone had survived something like that!"

I put a note on today's report, "Recommend the immediate assassination of Peeta Mellark."

I lied again, "Just one more question, if you are wrong. If the device does recreates a Banchee what should we do."

She waited a long time, the look in her eyes, told me she didn't believe my lie about this almost being over, and she wish me dead. "Well in that case you will be in deep shit! You won't last 5 seconds against him if he really is a Banchee. Right now I wish we were wrong, but we weren't and you'll end up killing an innocent young man because of your stupid fears."


	9. A New Family

**A New Family**

On the first Parcel Day, early in the morning, I heard my doorbell. When I opened my door there was Katniss' mom, Prim, several bags, a cat, and a goat. The goat seems happy enough, the cat was pissed off, and the two people looked like they had walked through hell on the way to my house. The bags under the girl's eyes spoke of long hard days, and their posture spoke of people just worn out. Dealing with these people might be as big of a challenge as the government or my dead girlfriend.

I smiled and said, "Welcome to your new home. Come in."

When they entered the cat jumped down from Prim's arms and ran away to hide in the house, the goat calmly shit on the floor and the girls just stared. I walked them though the living room, which I sensed was too big for our group, and right into the kitchen. We sat at the little breakfast table and I went to put tea on. "I'm so glad you decided to come. I'm not sure what I would have done if you didn't. You see the reaping and the games took away all my plans I had made for my life, and my promise to Katniss was one of the few things I felt I had left. This house has plenty of room for all of us, and I also have more than enough money, so I think we will do well here. I will give you guys the grand tour of the house and you can pick out your bedrooms. After that I will need you, Mrs. Everdeen, to help me make a shopping list of food and what else we need. Then we will go into town, buy supplies and build Lady her own pen."

After I got the girls set up with their rooms and made a shopping list, we went into town. I gave Mrs. Everdeen all the money and watched the excitement she got just being able to buy things with cash. She kept saying everything cost too much, but I know she enjoyed the feeling of having money. We bought lumber and chain link fencing for Lady's pen and hired a truck to take it all back.

Thanks to all the rocks it took me most of the rest of the day to put in the fence. Prim helped me by getting drinks and tools, but mostly just watched me. After a long while she got around to saying what she was thinking.

Prim lowered her head so I couldn't see her eyes and said, "Did it hurt? I mean did dying hurt?"

Obviously she was worried about how her sister had died, so I said, "No, Prim it wasn't like that. When we took the berries there was a bitter taste, not unlike vinegar. Then you can't see, and lastly you feel so weak you just fall down. It was all over in seconds. There was no pain at all."

Now Prim looks into my eyes and say, "Did you go to heaven?"

"No, I don't think I was really dead."

"Do you think Katniss is in heaven? Do you think she is really dead?" says Prim.

"What do you think?"

"I just get this feeling sometimes like she is still here."

"Me too. You know how stubborn Katniss is. Maybe her spirit won't leave until all the people she loves can come with her." Prim gave a little grim smile, the first smile I ever got from her.

When I finished with the fence it was time to start cooking for supper. I cleaned up and all three of us started on dinner. The girls showed me how to make a stew and I showed them how to make bread. Mrs. Everdeen decided that I should call her Caroline. All the food did wonders for them. In some ways I think making the food was even better for them then eating it. After dinner we played cards and tried not to talk about anything serious until Prim went to bed.

Caroline and I stayed up for hours talking about the house and how to organize the chores, and what Prim needed. Caroline said goodnight and was about to leave when she said what was on her mind.

"Did Katniss talk about me at all?"

I started telling her the stories Katniss told me about her mom while writing the letter.

"Yes, she told me several stories. The first one I remember is how you held her all night when she had the measles and sang to her. She felt so safe back then in your arms."

I went on to tell her the other stories Katniss told me, being careful to let her know how much Katniss loved her in those early years.

"Do you think, she really forgave me?"

"I don't think Katniss was ever good at forgiving, but I know she kept her promises, so if she had lived you would have seen someone struggle to forgive, but she wouldn't give up on a promise."

She thanked me for my honesty and went to bed.

That night I listened to the birds and cicadas and watched the full moon make its path across the sky. I sat for hours willing her back, imagining every detail of her, imagining her in front of me. Finally exhausted I lay down to sleep, and found myself unable to close my eyes. I got up again and tried again. This pattern repeated many times and on many nights. I would go for days without sleep, but finally I started to see results. Now and again instead of Katniss appearing randomly she started to appear when I wanted her to appear.

The more I talked to Katniss the more my heart broke for her. My suffering was obvious, but I was the only person she could talk to, or even touch. I knew I must keep her with me as long as possible every day, or she would go back to that half existence she suffered through.

Soon we fell into a routine, I would call it mundane, but I had never seen anything like it.

Mornings were the best. All day I would look forward to waking up. Five am in the morning I would wake up, just like I have all my life, but instead of starting the ovens, I would open my eyes and see a sleeping Katniss. I would lay there and just watch her sleep. I would force my mind to pause and just stare at her beauty. After a while, questions would start ringing in my mind. What is she? Is she really real? I have never heard of anything like her, am I the only person this ever happened too, or are am I just so crazy. When I got tired of those questions and the lack of answers, I would move on to, how are we ever going to be happy together? How can anyone be happy when they can't do anything, and only have one person they can talk too? And when I got tired of those questions, I would wake Katniss. I loved the fact that she smiled as I woke her, part of me said she was really happy to see me, but then she had fooled me before.

"Morning Katniss"

Katniss smiled and then open her eyes, I just loved that she smiled before opening her eyes, "Morning, what the schedule today."

"Well we went visiting the Hobb yesterday, the day before we went hunting, how about today we do some spying at the PeaceKeepers building, or maybe we can say home today and do some art."

"You call that hunting, you didn't shoot anything! You need a lot more practice before you can call it hunting.", Katniss said with a mocking frown.

"So you want another try at teaching me the bow? I just thought we might try and learn more about the rebellion today."

"Ok, you win, but can we go by the old house on the way."

"Sure."

When I lift my room, I would often lose Katniss, but I have learn how to bring her back. It took effort but I could bring her back now if I meditated right. A side effect of bringing her back, was my stomach would get upset, and I could feel myself getting nervous. Sometimes my stomach would get so bad I would throw up and other times my nerves got so strained I would have a panic attack and have to hide for a while in the basement. I would wake Prim and Caroline and start making breakfast. They both loved my baking, especially in the morning.

I smiling Prim would pounce into the kitchen, "Morning Uncle Peeta."

"Morning Prim, do you want English muffins?"

"With orange marmalade?"

"Is there any other way?", she said with a smile that made me almost as happy as her sister's.

Looking at Prim I would wonder, should I or even if I could share Katniss with her. To have someone else to share this would make me feel so much better. Me and Katniss would have long arguments about it, but in the end we always backed downed and admitted this was just too scary to share.

After Prim goes off to school, me and Caroline would share a cup of coffee, then it was off to spy on the PeaceKeepers. So down the road I would go me, my cane, my box of paints, and my invisible girl. She could talk all she wanted to, which wasn't much, but I had to watch I didn't get caught answering.

Now that Katniss was around most of the day I kept getting caught talking to myself. Katniss and I had to come up with hand signals to avoid people figuring out how crazy I really was. With my left hand down by my side I would move first finger of the left hand for "I heard you.," second finger for "yes," third for "no," and fourth for "I don't know." So now people thought I was a crazy young man with palsy.

Walking through the town, everyone would say hello. Not only was I the most famous person in the district but I have been doing my best to charm these people. So my shadows stuck out like sore thumbs, they were the only two people in the town who didn't say hello. These spies following me have become something of a joke to me. It didn't matter to me much that I was followed, they couldn't see my secrets, my Katniss.

One person we would see each time was Grandma Mabel, the name stuck even though all her kin were dead. I don't know how she found us, but she always did. She would walk up to us and grab my hand and stare into my eyes and talk about Katniss. At some point her face would just start to glow, like I had told her some marvelous joke. I really found it upsetting, but I humored her. I wished she would just let me be. It wasn't until much later that a friend of hers told me how she looked forward to finding me and how she loved to see the "shadow lady" out of the corner of her eye.

When we got to the PeaceKeeper's building I would set up my easel and Katniss would slip inside. When she got to the door I would avert my eyes, watching anything go through her made my stomach flip.

It took us weeks to figure out when and where information could be found, until she found out when their status reports were reviewed. Everyday they would review the reports from all the districts in a meeting and she would just listen aghast by what she heard. Katniss, like all of us, thought of the government as unassailable, but it wasn't so. She would hear of attacks on the government by dozens of groups in all the districts but 12. The government was monitoring hundreds of people and many groups, but still they lost many PeaceKeepers a month. So many of the groups took their names from Katniss and it made her so proud. One of the groups, called the "Citadel,"was special. Unlike the other groups, it seemed to have chapters in each district and every report on a group would have a section on how they interacted with this "Citadel". I wish they would say more about the nature of the "Citadel". The reports clearly showed that they thought a revolution was coming, but also that it would end like the last one.

When she return she tried to time her exit to follow someone leaving, she knew how it hurt me to see her pass through things. We would return in time to see Prim home from school.

Lucky for us today we don't have anybody over for dinner, or we would have to start getting ready for that. About once a week we have people over the mayor, peacekeeper officers, reporters, or government officials, and sometimes even people we like from the district. I was trying to charm people to protect the Everdeens. I never told Prim or Caroline what we were doing, but I think they figured it out, because they played along. Without the dinner to worry about I have time to do more art. I have always love drawing, but I never imagined I would be a real artist. Upstairs in the library we have large windows that give me the natural light I needed, and we can spend the afternoon drawing and painting. Ever since the games, my skills have become amazing. All over the walls and stacked on the floors are all my works, and they are beyond anything I thought I could do. Most of my art revolve around the games and Katniss, but there is also the District and my life here too. Sometimes I got Prim or Caroline to join me and I would help them do their pieces.

I remember one time I found Prim looking out the window in the library and I went over to say hello. When she turned around I saw she had been crying.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"I don't know. I'll be okay for a while and then I'll have some random thought and …. I'll just end up crying. How do you deal with it?"

"There is nothing wrong with missing Katniss or crying. Still, sometimes my thoughts get too negative and I feel I'm going to break down. On the train ride back it happened, I almost broke down, I had found Katniss's casket and just started to come apart. I just sat on the floor next to her casket and started having a fit. When in middle of my breakdown I suddenly felt Katniss presence and knew what I was doing was hurting her, so I just stopped. Since then, I realize I don't have the strength to do what I need to do, but I'll do it anyway for Katniss."

Prim got up and wiped her eyes,."For Katniss, I guess I can do this."

I answer, "For Katniss, for your Mother, and maybe a little for me too?"

"Yes, Uncle Peeta, for you too," Prim said as she gave me a kiss on my cheek.

As it got late and the light started to fade I would go down and help Prim and Caroline with dinner. They were making me a better cook, and I am teaching them a lot about baking. Dinners where people talked and actually enjoyed each other, it was just wonderful. For the first time in my life I was part of a family in which fear only existed outside it's doors. After dinner we would talk and play card games.

After a while we would go upstairs and spend hours on my correspondence. Most of it was fan mail, but I also got letters from reporters, our old sponsors, and Capitol people I met. Most of the common people wanted to comfort me. I would encourage reporters to come to talk, or write to sponsors to keep me in their thoughts. Reporters were easy. They were always looking for angles and I fed them just what they needed.

I contacted Livia Stone about my progress on my pictures and soon she was writing to me every week. I also started getting letters of encouragement from Livia Stone's granddaughter, Tess. Tess Stone claimed that she talked to me at the Victor's party, but I don't remember her.

Late at night I would take my drugs. I had drugs for my nerves, drugs for my stomach, and drugs to sleep. Without some help on most nights I wouldn't sleep at all. The strongest sleep drugs the district doctors could provide did little, but I found some drugs from smugglers, that often worked.

As I nodded off Katniss would check on Prim. So many times Prim still ends up in her mother's bed. It was a this time Katiss always was the most vulnerable, she would just look sad, and sometimes she would cry. If I asked her her answers were always short and cryptic. I knew she was scared and she was facing the doubts I started my day with. What is she? How are we ever to be happy together? What is our future? I would just hold her, kiss her, and nod off.


	10. Warnings

**Warnings**

It was very early in the morning of a summer's day, on a hill miles from district 12. From here the district small outline could be made out, the large coal shovel, the rail line, and indistinct buildings but not much more. The hill itself had a small bold spot were lightning had burned out the forest years ago. If you had a powerful lens and looked there today you would see people scurrying about. In just a couple of hours from now the bold spot would disappear and again the mountain would look like all the other green giants around it.

Marcus stood staring down on District 12 from this hill, as his small crew was setting up camp. Within the hour, they would have to have their camouflage up so they won't be discovered, and watch the District undetected. His crew was running around setting up tents, camouflage, instruments, and setting up for a long observation. Marcus was in command, and that suited him, he knew from the time he was a small child that command was his family's and his destiny. He had convinced District 13 of the importance of the mission, he had gotten command, and he had chosen the people. He paced around unhappy that the generals had given him everything but one thing, the one thing he thought most important. Marcus felt history was slipping out from under him, District 13 seem bound to make the same mistakes as their ancestors.

Trying to change his own mood Marcus stared at the rolling hills around him. Marcus loved these hills, they different from the Capitol's stony mountains or District 13's caves. He had never been to District 12 before and had no idea how charming it was. These hills were covered by some many trees and animals, it was hard not to imagine they were somehow the very embodiment of the life-force. After the war, assuming I am still alive, he thought. Maybe I will move here and raise a family. Running around these hills with children seemed to be an ideal future.

He looked over to his left and see the gunnery officer setting up the auto sniper. What a wonderful piece of death dealing equipment it is. It has a tripod with auto gyros to keep it perfectly steady, a huge electric optical sight, and a powerful laser beam to kill anything for miles.

He asked, "Gunny, is your gun ready?"

"Yes, sir."

Marcus waved him aside and took the controls and started panning the distant district. He could hear the camp behind him get quiet, as all work came to a halt. Zooming in closer and closer until he could make out individuals, and then started to search the roads. Finally, he found what he was looking for. A young blond man, with a cane, but no noticeable limp, walking along the road toward town. He zoomed in more until the back of his head filled the screen. The crew can all see what is being aimed at through the repeating monitor right next to him. He locked on to the target, so the computer would follow every move he makes. All he has to do is pull the trigger.

A very nervous lieutenant gunnery officer, risking both his bars, said. "Sir, the orders. The orders didn't include any assassination."

Marcus growled, "Lieutenant I believe I am in charge here."

The lieutenant's voice lowered to a whisper. "Sir, they will break you."

He put a little more pressure on the trigger, "I have risked my life many times to protect this world. You don't think I will risk my career?". All of a sudden the computer lost focus, the image became a blur, like some heavy gas was between Marcus and his target. And for a second, just a second, he thought the image on the back of Peeta's head, looked like one very angry young girl, looking right at him. He pulled away from the gun, his hands shaking. He looked back at the lieutenant's face, and he obviously didn't see anything. I will review the tape later, he thought to himself, but he knew what he would find. He knew he had just received a warning... Shaking his head, Marcus walked into the woods to think about what just happened, to figure what it meant, and to stop his hands from shaking. The crew finish setting up camp.

In the woods he tried to listen to the birds and admire the trees, anything to help him forget his own fears. He knew he had to suppress his fears for his men and his superiors, he needed there confidence. He was sure he knew what Peeta was and he also was sure many people were going to die if you mishandled this. He found a small stream and sat next to it on a rock plotting what he was going to do next.

Hours later he returned to the camp, they were done with the set up and the camp was invisible from all prying eyes. He gathered them together in the mess tent, the largest of all the tents. Guards, support, and techs gathers on his left and District 13's secret service officers on his right, a mere dozen people all together.

"Ok, some of you people were briefed before we left, but just so no one feels left out, here is our mission: District 12, up to this point, has been considered unimportant and we have no observations or agents in it. We are going to change that. We are going to learn all there is to know about this district and neither the Capitol or District 12 is to know anything about us. We are interested in everything about this district, but our primary target is Peeta Mellark."

Remu, the senior agent, spoke for the group. "Sir, may I ask why Peeta Mellark is so important?"

"You may ask, but I can't give you a complete answer." He paused shortly. "Just remember a war is coming. We don't know when, but soon. And when that war comes we will want as many of the districts as possible to align themselves with us, but they don't trust us. Hell, they don't know we exist! Our political analysis believe we can use Peeta Mellark and the memory of Katniss Everdeen to address the issue." Marcus thought, our Generals are fools, all they can think of is the coming war. They just can't take my warnings seriously. They think no matter what or who he is, they can manage him.

He pointed down the hill and said, "From this hill top, we will try to discover all the observable facts about the district and Peeta Mellark." Then he looked back to his agents. "While all that is going on, you guys must get agents up and trained in a district so small, that any new face will be questioned. It is going to be a long haul. First, we start with smugglers and criminals. Once we are established as a vital part of the smuggling business, we will use the criminals to introduce us to sympathetic individuals we can train to be our agents. Then we must work those agents to be confidants of Peeta Mellark."

"That is going to take so long. Hell, the war might be over before we are ready!" Remus again making it clear he was leader among the agents.

Luckily, Marcus had an answer all ready for him. "That is why I am going back to the Capitol, for one more long shot mission. There not many people who can travel between districts with little or no questions, but there are a few. I am going to try and get one of those to help us here. The woman I am thinking of would be perfect for the job. Not only could she just show up here, but she could get right next to Peeta Mellark with out batting an eye. Technically she doesn't work for us, but she does believe in the cause."


	11. The Dolly

The Dolly

Her big gray eyes were filled with tears and her long hair hanged in wet curtains on the side of her face, and her nose was running. Her name was Sue, she was 5 years old and very scared. Her mother was off talking to Caroline. Her brother had a bad burn on his arm this morning and you could hear his cries throughout the house. Each cry of her brother made her shake.

The day had started with a rain storm which was still going on. The rain came down it great sheets. After we got Prim off to school I had to face the fact that I couldn't do much today. There was no sunlight for painting, no hunting, and no spying. We didn't even have a planned dinner tonight to get ready for, nothing. So me and Caroline ended up doing a lot of small talk around the kitchen table, with more and more coffee. Katniss just slumped in the chair, in her hunting gear, and stared out the window. I may have little to do today, but she had nothing and was terribly bored.

They came with a wail, and then a rapid pounding on the front door. When I open the door the three of them looked like drowned rats. The wild eyed woman carried her little daughter rapped in her arms tight, and the larger boy was right next to her clutching her hand with a death grip and yelling in pain. I yelled for Caroline, towels, and blankets, and help the family in. Caroline came running grabbed the boy and even before the mother could say a thing noticed the large red burn on the boy's arm and started rushing him off to the little den next to the living room she use to see her patients. That left me to run off and get the towels and blankets. The girl was very young four maybe 5 and the boy was only 10 years old. As I dried them I learned that the boy name was John, the girl Sue, and the mother who looked so skinny and old was Mary Law. The mother as so many had come to the only medical help the poor of the district could depend on Caroline. A close look at the mother desperate gray eyes and dark hair told the usual story of a poor woman who married poor and young, and now was looking twice her real age. We gave the them our coffees to warm the family, they had never had real coffee and didn't know what to make of it, but drank it anyway. I ran to get this and that, medicines, bandages, and finally went to put more water on. I started to feel ill, I knew the feeling, it was the sickness I got from making Katniss visible, which was strange because she had disappeared. When I went to the kitchen I open the door and almost gasped. The little girl was in middle of the kitchen, the frighten little girl was holding out a little cloth doll. The doll was a very simple thing made of rags, and small pieces of worn out odds and ends, it had a face drawn on a piece of cloth, and it's was hair of shredded cloth, but it was the only thing this girl could call her own, and she held it out to a kneeling Katniss, right in the middle of the kitchen. Katniss eyes are all watery. I was stunned and didn't know what to do for what seemed like forever. Several times I thought someone had seen her, but this! First I worried that we might be walked in on, but the cries of her brother told me that wasn't likely.

I said "I see you have found my friend." I was doing the best to not show surprise or worry.

The little girl looked for a second at me but then whispered something in Katniss's ear.

Katniss said in a low, almost whisper, "He's Peeta. He is a very nice boy, and you can trust him. Ok?" The girl whispered more in Katniss's ear. "She likes you Peeta, but her mother told her not to talk to strange men. " Katniss whipped a tear as she said "She just found me and wanted to show me her dolly Alice, and I told her of my old dolly Nancy."

This was amazing not only was she able to see Katniss but she could talk to her, no-one but me had ever been able to do that. Now watching them talking on the floor of my kitchen, I thought I started to understand. I knew if the girl's mother came in all she would see is a girl playing make believe on the floor. Katniss is real she has to be, she has told and taught me so much, she can't be in my mind, but her image, her body, that is me. I chose what clothes she wore, I chose when she appeared, she even looked like my favorite version of her, as I knew her just before the games. Somehow I can influence the senses of me and others. They put something in me, they changed me, but what, and why? Somehow I am going to have to figure this out, because this is changing me, it is changing me into what? I decide to see how far we can push it. I try to image how it would feel, how the little girls hand in Katniss's would feel, and sign Katniss to hold the girls hand. Katniss look scared, I knew she didn't want to risk losing this, the only other person for her in months. She slowly put out her hand in an offer to the little girl who readily grab it.

With the girls touch Katniss said a surprised "Oh!" as a big smile reached across her face, and tears dripped down her face. It was well worth the vomited I choked back. I could feel the illness and fear rise up in me, but this is my gift to Katniss and I wasn't going to back off. They played on my kitchen floor and for a while Katniss could feel normal and the little girl could forget about this terrible day and what her brother and mother was going through.

They played there doll games with little whispers, though Katniss was careful to speak loud enough for me to hear, she wanted to include me, at least some.

When the family left latter that day, it left me thinking wild thoughts. How could I get the girl and Katniss together again? How far could I push this? What is happening to me? Where will this end?


	12. Hunting for Love

**Story so far:**

Peeta has taken in Prim and Katniss's mother (Caroline), and they are making a go of being a family. Peeta has a crazy plan to protect the Everdeens by being so popular that it is politically impossible to touch him. He is writing letters to everyone, doing interviews with reporters, having important people over for supper, and doing the best to charm everyone.

Mean while Marcus an agent of District 13, has been hunting down Peeta, and setting up observations, and spies on him. Marcus would like Peeta killed, but he lost that argument with the Generals and now must figure a way to get Peeta to work for District 13 and the coming revolt.

Only one or two more things are going on, like Peeta is living with a dead girlfriend. They are trying to make there relationship work despite her invisibility, and her lack of a pulse. Peeta knows he is somehow making her real, but on the other hand, he knows she is not just a creation of his mind, she is somewhere in between. She is just a shadow of what she was, but that is enough for Peeta to hold on to. Oh, one other thing Peeta is not technically human anymore, he is just not sure what he is. Marcus knows what he is and that is the reason he wants him dead.

**Hunting for Love**

Whenever possible, I took Katniss to the woods that she so loved. Here, she trained me to be a hunter.

My foot fell slowly, I was desperately trying to not make a noise. On my cheek, I could feel the wind shift direction. Now I started to worry the deer I had been tracking for a half an hour might get downwind of me, so I started to move quickly, carefully watching the ground for twigs and dry leaves. I still could hear the deer chewing, so far so good. I could not see it, but I must be near, very near. To my left was an opening in the bushes, and I knew the deer would have to go through the opening or completely reverse its path. I grabbed an arrow, readied my bow, and started to wait. First one minute, and then another, I wasn't sure how long I could keep the arrow drawn. Finally I heard it move, and then I saw it's body. The deer ran right into the path of my arrow, so my arrow pierced it's belly, and then just disappeared as it entered it's body. When the deer fell, I looked over to see Katniss's face. The excitement and joy in her face, was my true trophy. "Peeta, you did it! That was just brilliant!"

"Well, I had a great teacher."

I was proud of myself. I had done well, but the real payoff was the look on Katniss' transparent face. Here in the woods Katniss seemed more alive than anywhere else. She just loved these woods and the idea that she couldn't hunt anymore just made her so sad, so she lived vicariously through me. I worked very hard to be the hunter she wanted me to be, and listened very closely to everything she said.

Katniss told me how to dress the deer, and I almost got sick pulling all the guts out. She showed me how to lock the legs together using its own tendons and that was when I notice the weather had changed and the sky was now dark with clouds.

"It looks like we are going to get wet. Well, at least I am going to get wet."

"Peeta, come with me down by the lake. We can wait out the storm in the old cement house."

Katniss had shown me the cement house down by the lake earlier., It was just one room really, but it should keep me dry. By the time we got there the rain had already started. We started a fire in the ruin's fireplace. The wind was cold and damp and the storm clouds made it darker, so we cuddled in the corner of the room. I cut off some pieces of the deer's flank and started roasting it on a stick over the fire.

"How I miss the taste of food. I would give anything to taste that meat. You can't imagine how it is not to taste things, not even to feel hunger," Katniss said with a pained look on her face.

I tried to say something. My mouth opened, but no words came.

"It's okay, Peeta. Before you came along I couldn't feel anything. For days I wandered around that hospital thinking I was in some kind of hell before I felt you wake up. I just knew you would be able to hear me. Without you I don't know how long my mind would have lasted."

I lay my hand on her hip and I felt a shudder through her body.

"Oh, Peeta, when I am invisible I can't feel anything. I just want to be normal. I want to feel, smell, taste, as I used to. I want my life back. Peeta, only you can make me like that,., Katniss said with a plea in her eyes.

Looking in the prayer in her eyes I knew I wanted to give her life. In the arena I was ready to die for her and after all this time nothing had changed. My hand went to feel her cheek and she turned her head to lay it firmly in my hand. I could feel the soft warmth of her cheek and her hot breath on my hand. My thumb reached to feel her lips and her lips parted and reached up for my touch. Down deep I knew my love was making her real. I see in her eyes new strength and lust and I knew I could deny her nothing.

Before my eyes she changed, from a shadow she became real. The skin, the eyes everything was perfect, perfectly normal! Right now I knew if we were in town, everyone would see her just as a normal girl. Katniss eyes grew wide, and she sucked in a lungful of air. "Peeta! Oh my God! The air smells of rain, and smoke!" She stuck out her tongue and licked my thumb. "Peeta! I can taste you! Your salty!". We just grab each other and just start laughing in wild hysteria. As we laugh, I can hear her sniffing my hair, my skin, anything, and her tongue tasted my ear. "Peeta! I am cold! Really cold! It's wonderful! You did this didn't you, thank you, thank you...". It is then she looked down and realized she didn't have any clothes on. She paused and for moment, I thought she would run off, then she got a big smile again, and with a laugh said, "Well Peeta you got everything perfect, you are truly a great artist!" And then she kissed me again. We just couldn't stop kissing, every kiss demanded two more.

The rain came down in great sheets. We both were amazed by every touch. Everything seemed new, it was like I never touched anything before. The warm, yielding, softness of her skin, every motion of her body was beyond real. The world disappeared. All there was for her was me and all there was for me was her. Finally even me and her disappeared, we became one being, in both mind and body. The joy of this new being burst into this world with a scream of joy. It was heaven. Then my eyes wouldn't focus, and it all went black.

"Peeta! Peeta! Please wake up!" Katniss was yelling in my ear. I tried to make sense of the blurred images I saw and figure out when and where I was.

"I am okay. Where am I?"

"Peeta, you passed out. You were so pale I thought you had a heart attack!"

Looking at her, I could see how scared she was, and how the moment had passed, and she was a shadow again, in her hunting outfit. "No, I am okay sweetie," I said as my memory came back and I realize what had happened. I had never felt so bad and so happy at the same time. I couldn't stop sweating, shaking, and every ounce of warmth was gone from my body. I feel like I had just swum in an ice filled lake. And on top of all of that I couldn't stop smiling. After throwing up I thought I would declare this the best day in my life. The look on Katniss face revealed more fear than she ever showed during the game.

"Peeta, I almost killed you!"

"No it's not that bad, just give me few minutes to recover, okay?"

"No, Peeta, I almost killed you! We need to get a doctor!"

"No! I don't need a doctor. I told you I will be fine just give me a few minutes."

I threw up again and Katniss picked up some wood and put it on the fire. "See, I knew it. I could feel it when we made love, you are stronger."

After that day Katniss swore never to make love to me again, and I lied to her, saying she was over-reacting. I knew it was just a matter of time until we did it again, I could feel her need, and of course I knew my own. I couldn't explain what happened, but I knew it made her stronger and me sick. For a while it was almost like she was of flesh and blood, it was a miracle.

Now she was a shadow again, but she was stronger. She could move things, like a very weak, normal person. So I had her read and answer the fan letters we got. Late at night as I took my sedatives she would work at the desk I had moved next to my bed. Having real work to do and people to talk to, even just by letters, made her feel so much better.

As I started my drug induced sleep I began to think about my dreams. My dreams were always the same every night. Every night since the game in my dreams I become the ghost. My ghostly form will wander through some hospital I have never seen. I keep looking all over this hospital, but I never find her, I never find Katniss. But as I fall asleep tonight, I set my mind to a new dream. Tonight I will dream of the day I walk hand in hand with Katniss into town. I will dream of the day Katniss can hug her sister and mother. I will dream of the day she can hunt again. And I will dream of the day we will sleep together as man and wife. That will be the day I master what ever the Capitol doctors did to me. The day I have enough power to make her real and keep her here with me. The day I have power, lots and lots of power. Soon I will have the power!


	13. Meet Tess Stone

**Meet Tess Stone**

Early one morning after I sent Prim off to school, my doorbell rang. When I answered the door, I saw a pretty young smiling girl, maybe 18, and behind her a very large mountain of a man, like 40. The girl was obviously from the Capitol, with her fully made up face, white skin, pink lips, auburn hair, and a huge red bow on her head. The man looked like a character from a PeaceKeeper recruiting poster, blue eyed, square chin, with a huge scar down his face, neck, and down under his shirt. The smile on her face was so open, trusting, and sincere I found it hard to believe it was aimed at me, someone who didn't even know her.

Through a generous smile she said, "Hello, Peeta. I am Tess. Tess Stone."

The well connected Lady Livia Stone has been working with me for months on setting up a show of my art work in the Capitol, and I do remember getting a letter months ago from her granddaughter Tess, but nothing more.

"Oh yes, Tess Stone. Come on in. How is your grandmother?" Out of the corner of my eye I could see Katniss smiling, as she seemed to be studying my face. I knew something was going on, but what?

"Great, she sends her regards and she hopes we can put together that art exhibit soon."

Tess sat on my couch. Katniss sat right next to her, and the man went to stand against the wall.

"Don't mind Tom. He is not very friendly, but is extremely loyal," Tess said as she gave an unanswered smile to Tom.

The strange quiet man irritates me, but not as much as not knowing what was going on with this girl. "So I guess you're here to see how my art is going?"

"Well, yes, that is one reason I came. And I did bring some presents for the whole family, but really after all the letters we exchanged I just wanted to talk in person."

Katniss just smiled, "You know, under all the makeup, I think she is really very pretty. What do you think?"

I wished I had a finger sign for "What the hell is happening?". I flashed her the yes sign.

Katniss said, "You should tell her how excited you're to see her in person."

"Well, I'm very happy to see you. I've always looked forward to your letters. In fact, tonight, I think I will have to re-read them." What letters were we talking about? "I'm such a poor host. Let me get you some tea, or would you prefer coffee?"

"Tea would be fine.", Tess said.

When I got into the kitchen, I frowned at Katniss. "What is going on?"

"Nothing. You told me to answer the fan mail, so I did." Katniss said as she hunched her shoulders.

She was up to something I knew it, but I couldn't make sense of this. "What did you say to her?"

"Nothing much," Katniss said with a smirk.

When I got back and pour the tea I asked her. "Where are you staying?"

Tess says, "Don't worry about me, I parked my family's rail car at the rail yard. It's a lovely apartment on wheels really with all the luxuries of home. And I have Tom to keep me company. Grandma won't let me travel without him."

It dawn on me she is planning to say a while. What is she planning on doing here?

I looked up to see Caroline coming down the stairs. As soon as Tess sees her she gets up to greet her.

"Oh Misses Everdeen I am so glad to see you. I am so sorry for your lose, Katniss seemed to be such a wonderful girl. I cried many tears over Katniss. It was a crime what happened to your daughter, I believe that and there are many others in the Capitol that would agree."

Caroline obviously was a little shocked and confused by Tess but said, "Oh,…Thank you."

Tess made a hand sign to Tom and he came over and handed a box to Tess. "I found this for sale in the Capitol and think it belongs with you." When she opened the box Katniss's blue reaping dress came out. On seeing the dress she covered her face with the dress and started sobbing. Tess hugged her and started whispering in Caroline's ear.

Caroline finally got some control of herself and said, "It had been my favorite dress, I saved it for years to share with her and she only got to wear it once."

Still hugging Caroline Tess said, "She will be remembered by everyone, a hundred years from now people will remember her bravery and beauty."

"She was always a brave girl. She saved our whole family when she was just 11 years old, you know."

After Caroline finally settled down, Tess and I went upstairs to show her my art.

We went up to the library which now served as my studio. Leaning against all the book shelves are many pictures of mine, each carefully covered with drop cloths. I had learned quickly that some of my subjects were too intense for the girls. Katniss stays close to Tess, she seemed very curious about everything she does.

Tess head started to slowly scan the room. "You did all of these, in just a couple of months!"

I try to minimize the work, but I myself don't understand how fast and good I have become. "Well not all of them are complete."

I move around the room picking out my least intense pictures. I pick portraits, and landscapes. Katniss calls out some of her favorites.

When I hand Tess the pictures one, by one she lights up like it was Christmas, "Wow, Peeta these are great! This portrait of Prim and Caroline is not only wonderfully done, but I can really feel how much you care for them, it is just so loving. Prim looks so bright, and full of life. Are all of these this good?"

Katniss beams with pride, "You are going to be famous. Didn't I tell you so?"

I try to break the bad news to her gently, "Depends on what you mean by good. Technically, that is not my best effort. I did that very early on, but most of my best works I don't think are sellable."

"Oh, Peeta don't show her those. You just met her. Don't scare her!", Katniss pleaded.

Tess says, "Why is that?"

How can I explain to anyone, except maybe Katniss, how these terrible images haunt me day and night and I must get them out? "I lot of them are so sad, or intense, I don't suspect anyone will want them besides me."

"Like what?", Tess says.

I point to a picture on the floor, right next to her foot. "You might not want to look at that one."

Katniss glares at me and says, "Oh, Peeta what are you doing?"

She uncovers it, and her hand goes to her mouth, as her face goes ashen. She saw a beautify young girl, with long auburn curls, cuddled in a pile of wonderfully large brown leaves. Her pale peaceful, almost angelic face was framed by the large brown leaves, the glow of the fire, and the large long bright red scarf she wore. So when in the next second when you finally notice the red scarf is her blood and someone had slit her throat it came as a shock. Tess looks for a chair and tries to compose herself. "Who is she?"

I can feel my throat close up, and I hold on to avoid tears. "She is one of my victims. I slit her throat in order to be able to stay with the careers. I have several of her here. I just can't get her out of my head. She is the reason I am going to hell."

Tess looks so sad as she says, "Oh, my poor boy. None of that was your fault."

I not sure I can explain it to anyone, but I will give it a try. "I had already decided to do whatever was necessary to protect Katniss. So you see it was important that I lived, and that I stay with the careers, so I could save her, but that means I had already decided that Katniss's life was more important than mine or hers. I am going to hell."

Katniss started pacing back and forth with anger. "You didn't do shit, it was that damn President Snow and the Capitol. They are the ones responsible, not you!"

Tess grabs my hand, gives it a firm grip, looks me in the eye and says, "It really is a wonderful picture, I have known every important artist of the last ten years personally. And I can honestly say your work is beyond them all. You were going to take the art world by storm."

I say, "Even with subject matters like that?"

"Maybe you wouldn't want it in your living room, but museums and some collectors would love it.", Tess said.

I feel sicken at the thought of people admiring this horror of mine and say, "I don't think I would like anyone who liked it."

Tess voice sounds raspy as she says, "Peeta, it is the truth. You are telling the truth to people. The people of Panem need to face these things. Some people know how rare the truth is, and will love it for that." Then she gives me a hug, a kiss on my cheek, and we leave.

Tess said, "Why don't we take a walk? You can show me some of District 12." So we went outside. As soon as we were outside, Tess grabbed my face with her two hands and stared into my eyes. "You didn't write those letters did you?"

"No," I had to admit.

"Was it Prim or Mrs. Everdeen I was talking to?" I said nothing. Katniss was nowhere to be seen. Tom discreetly stayed a ways away.

With a wink in her eye, "Okay, keep your secrets, but they were very sweet letters. We need to talk, and I need you to trust me."

We started walking, and Tess grabbed my arm and leaned into me as we walked. "I never watch those games. No one in my family does, but when I heard about you and Katniss, well, I just had to see if it was true. Both of you were so brave and noble, …." Tess seemed on the edge of tears. "I guess I should introduce myself some, since you obviously did not read my letters. Of all the great houses, which once numbered in the dozens when my grandmother was young, there are only 3 now; Snow, Stone, and Book. My grandmother sister was Snow's first wife and likely the only person he truly loved, which has saved our family many times. So technically I am Snow's grandniece, which definitely helps at times, but we all live in fear of another great purge. I don't know if you realize it but Panem is on the verge of a second civil war. Everyone in power knows this."

She obviously was trying hard to get my trust, but I couldn't give it too easily, so I started with a test. "What is the Citadel?"

"Wow, how do you know that name? Never mind. As you might have guessed history is written by the victors, and what you learn in school only vaguely resembles what happened in the last civil war. As they told you, District 13 organized the other districts against the Capitol and was bombed heavily. What the textbooks leave out is that District 13 survived, hidden in a deep fortress, called the 'Citadel'."

"District 13 survived!" I say pretending to be more shocked then I was. The idea that the Capitol was lying to us had become part of my thought process.

"They have atomic missiles just like the Capitol does so complete destruction was impossible. So they in their Citadel have been waiting for a chance for another try at overthrowing the government. Snow uses the name Citadel to avoid even talking about District 13. He lives in constant fear of it."

I say, "So they have agents in the Districts organizing this revolt?"

"That is what Snow believes. He sees all revolt in terms of District 13, and yes, they are likely involved, but no one knows how much. Back to you, the game's goal is to cow the Districts but this time thanks to you and Katniss it didn't work. Snow has already started a mini purge, killing many people involved in the last game, including Seneca Crane, the doctors that worked on you, and many more. Snow was livid about the ending of the last game, and no one knows what is going to happen next, but you are going to be part of it."

I respond, "I'm not in the business of politics or war. Right now everything revolves around my promises to Katniss, and the people close to me."

Tess stopped walking and put her face right next to mine, our noses just a hair away from each other. "Peeta, when I heard what you did for Katniss, how you used your love as a weapon to protect her, I was amazed. You took my breath away. When I saw how brave both of you were I fell in love with the both of you. Then you two died….", She wiped a tear from her face. "And ever since then I have seen how hard you worked to protect your family and the Everdeens. It was like nothing I have ever seen before. You are a wonderful boy. You have shown everyone in Panem what we were supposed to be, but things are going to get ugly, and soon."

"I'm sorry, but for me things have been ugly ever since reaping day."

Tess took a large breath and let her chest fall before answering. "Peeta, one of the reasons I had to come was to prevent a bidding war on you. In the Capitol those in power know they can buy the company of Victors from Snow. I hope to prevent you from being forced into prostitution by being here with you."

Prostitution! Was that an option! I had to admit it had occurred to me charming people might lead to places I didn't want to go, but being sold! "You're staking a claim to me!"

"No, I am just a friend, but I am going to let it seem that I am. Not many people are willing to go against a Stone in a bidding war." We started walking again. "Peeta, I am going to help you, I promise you, but no one, not even a Stone, can stand against President Snow. We need to find a path that gives us what we want while keeping Snow happy. This is the way everyone who has survived in Panem does it."

We walked into the town and Tess wanted to be introduced to everyone as we went. All the people didn't know what to do. They had rarely seen a Capitol girl, and when they did the avoided making even eye contact, afraid they might stare or something, and end up in the whipping post. If it wasn't for me being a District 12 local hero, I am sure no one would talk to her, at least without being talked to first, but because of me they tried their best to be friendly.

We parted in town. On the way back home I walked as fast as I could, it was almost a run. I wanted to get back to the privacy of my room and get some answers, and I wanted them now. I stormed into the house, slamming doors, and getting confused looks from Caroline, who obviously wanted some answers too, but thought better when she saw my face. As soon as I entered my room I turned to Katniss who had followed me in from town. "Okay, Katniss what is this all about? What did you say to Tess?"

Katniss almost yelled, "Peeta, I love you!"

That stopped me for a second. We had been constantly together for months now, we had made love, I had taken in her family as mine, and in all this time she had never said this. On the other hand, I quickly realized it didn't explain anything. And her attempt at misdirection had made me just want to yell.

"Don't try to get me off topic. What is Tess all about?"

Katniss seemed almost in pain as she said, "Peeta, things have changed for me. You have always been special to me. Somehow you have always been there when I really needed someone. When my family and I were starving you saved us with bread. When I became a tribute you conspired to save me, and when I died you definitely brought me back. If I had been just a little braver I would have approached you years ago, but somehow you scared me. I guess I was scared of facing the truth, of admitting how much I owed you. But now you're my life, even more, you're what I would give life up for. Yes, I love you."

Part of me said I had gotten my heart's desire and I should stop this conversation here, but I knew there was more a lot more to what was going on here. "Katniss, I find that wonderful, but what about Tess?"

"Peeta, you have been looking out for me. It is time I start looking out for you."

It now dawns on me the depth of her conspiracy, "So you're hooking me up with women now?"

"Peeta, if you read her letters you would know she just wants to help you."

I can feel my anger building, "Don't act dumb, she doesn't even know me. She is a romantic fool caught up in the star crossed lover survivor story."

"Maybe, but just give her a chance. What did you know about me when you gave me the bread, or thought up the star crossed lover bit? You fell in love with my face and voice a long time before you knew anything about me, didn't you?"

Oh my god she is giving up on me, "I knew your soul, somehow I just did."

"Well maybe she knows your soul too."

"Katniss, I don't want any other woman. You have been and will always be the one I want."

"Peeta, you need so much more than I can give. You deserve to have a normal family life, to have children, grandchildren. You would be a great dad, but right now Tess is just a potential friend. But someday some girl will come along, someone you can make a future with, and if you give her up for me I will haunt you for real."

"But you're what I want. Through you I found a reason to live. This is all because of the day in the woods, isn't it? It might not be the same next time, or if you want there will never be another time, I can deal with that!"

"Peeta you have to understand, when we are apart I only feel half alive. When you hold me tight I feel almost normal, I need you so badly. I don't know if I can deal with staying apart, but I must." I grabbed her and she pushed me back. "Peeta, your future is out in the world of the living and not here with me. You're going to be a wonderful dad."

This time I slowly grabbed her and ever so slowly pulled her right against me. I looked into her eyes and said, "Katniss, I wanted you to be the mother of my children." I felt a tear run down my cheek and saw one on Katniss' face.

Katniss said. "Peeta, it is never going to happen, and I … I wish it were different." When I tried to kiss her she just pulled away and ran right through the wall.

She just disappeared for days. No matter how much I practiced my meditations nothing happened. I was sure she was somewhere nearby, but she was hiding from me and there was nothing I could do. I could make her visible but I can't force her to be near.

On the first day of Katniss's disappearance, I opened my front door to a Tess with no makeup, a simple white dress, and simple white shoes. She had gone into town and did all she could to make herself look like a normal District 12 girl. Without the makeup she still was very pale, but her cheeks were covered by hundreds of wonderful freckles. Her hair now hung in one long braid down her chest. She changed too, she seem shy without her makeup and won't meet my eyes. I knew she wondered how I felt about her conversion, but with Katniss gone I was in no mood, and gave her little encouragement. She brought hundreds of paints, they were of more colors than I knew existed, and on a better day I would be ecstatic at the chance to use them, but not today. No one who met me on that day went away happy.

On the second day of Katniss's disappearance, Tess showed up with plans for the exhibit hall and insisted that we go through all my art and figure out what to show and how I wanted them presented. We spent hours going through the details, and I started to feel bad about the way I was treating her. We spent a couple of hours painting together, and she really was good, she showed me a lot of techniques I never heard of, and before she left I think we really did have a good time. After she left I just wanted to kick myself, thinking Katniss could be watching and thinking she was right.

On that night, the night sky was a velvet black. The gem like stars lights seem to magnify the darkness that separated them. The chill of the night had removed all clouds and there was nothing separating me from the stars but the dark of the night. On my bedroom balcony I stared up into the sky imprisoned by its beauty. I couldn't help but reach up as if to touch the stars that seemed to just be right above my head. I felt a warm hand sneak into my left hand. In the dark I could not see anything next to me. I felt the fingers enrapt mine, and a smile instantly came to my face. We stood like this a long time. I didn't want to say anything. Just holding her hand made me happy and talking to her seemed a risky thing.

I wanted to say I am sorry, but I wasn't. I wasn't sorry I loved her, nor was I sorry she loved me. I was sorry we both were in pain. I wanted to persuade her that idea of finding me a mate was hopeless. I wanted to say that I will spend the rest of my life with her and be happy, but I know she won't buy it. Until I can prove to her that I can make her real with my new abilities without killing myself, she won't buy it.

I say to her "Katniss, was it because of her wealth and position you chose Tess."

"You need someone who can help you with the Capitol and President Snow, only someone like her can help you, but I wouldn't have gone through with it if I didn't think you and her wasn't a match. Her letters were filled with care and worry about you. She is even an artist like you. She just sounded perfect. You do like her don't you." As she spoke the tears started streaming down my face and I was so glad it is dark she can't see me.

Doing the best to not sound like I am crying I say, "She is a wonderful woman. She is pretty, kind, and I do like her."

Katniss says "Do you think….". She just stops there. I knew we had both gone as far as we could without either me or her running off again. We didn't' say anything to each other for the rest of the night.


End file.
